Essence
by The Trix Rabbit
Summary: L pretends to be Light's boyfriend, for details about Kira. Secretly going behind his back with Misa, he is caught in the act. Broken, Light leaves him. Almost suicidal, will Light ever find his Essence again? Or will his past catch up to him?
1. Betrayal

Essence 

Light's life was colorful and bright. He was blinded by the sheer brilliance of love; before L his life was a endless void, he was a shell. Sure, he didn't have suicidal thoughts or anything, but it was almost like he was unresponsive. Of course, he answered when he was asked a question, stayed at the top of his class, and drowned his life his study, but he didn't laugh, cry, smile or anything to show he had emotions.

Now that L was in his life, he was finally able to _feel. _It felt new to him, like a heavy stone was lifted from his chest. The walls he made around his heart, hiding it from the rest of the world was slowly coming down and flooding, by the river named L.

Sometimes Light wondered if L felt this way too. Surely it can't be one-sided, could it? Light hoped with every fiber of his being, that L did. L was also an epitome of monotone, just like Light. Did anything change in the detective's heart? Did he feel suffocated like Light was by the feelings, some he couldn't put a name on? Light thought about this a lot. Would L leave him if he found out that he was or wasn't Kira?

When they got together, L took off the handcuffs, but was like a shadow, watching Light's every move, except at school. He got a spy for that. Light didn't mind, but sometimes he would wish that the detective would just shut up and go to sleep. And it was always the same answer, "But what if Light-kun kills and innocent life in his sleep?", earning a pillow smack against his chest. L would laugh a little, with barely any emotion leaking through. "The chances of you being Kira has upped to three point five percent for trying to cause harm to me."

Light would groan, mumble something and turned away from the annoying, insomniac detective.

"4.5 percent for ignoring me." L would murmur, put pull Light in anyway, enveloping Light into the warmth and aroma of himself. The scent was very sweet, which was no surprise considering the amount of sugar L consumed in a single day would put Willy Wonka to shame.

"Ruv you" Light mumbled contently against L's chest. Oblivious to the guilty look on L's face, Light fell into the depths of sleep, almost as deep as the detective's black, glassy orbs.

* * *

L sat on his chair, the usual way with his knees to his chest, nibbling his thumb thoughtfully. He knew for a fact that he didn't love Light, but he didn't have the heart to tell him that. The only reason he did even agree to be his partner, he was still uncomfortable saying 'boyfriend', was to find more information about Kira. He didn't expect to be actually loved by the person who was the number one Kira suspect, even though the percentage was only a mere 4.5 percent. He did like him, of course. He was his first friend, best friend even. But he did feel love for Misa, at least that's what he tells himself. He knew it was wrong leading on Light like this, but it was the only way to get information on the Kira case, and be happy with his Misa.

Light would surely be broken, and not give any details for L to help the Kira case. The detective sighed in frustration, never in his entire life as the world's three greatest detectives did he feel this way. A strange mix of frustration, insecurity and dilemmatic. He tugged on his hair and took out his phone. He dialed Misa's number, needing to release some steam. He had to make sure Light would never know, he glanced at the clock in front of him, it only read two fifteen. Light should still be in school until at least three thirty.

He wriggled his toes impatiently. Misa's cheery "Hello?" yelled into his ear. Of course, he didn't like her loudness very much, but over looked that. He could give other reasons why he loved Misa though. Like... Like... L couldn't think of a reason, but reminded himself love is blind.

"Hi Misa. You want to come over?" He asked as silky as he could.

"Misa-Misa would love to see her lovebug!" She squealed, oblivious to the fact that L's grimace was so pulled up, that it was comical.

"Okay Misa, see you in," He glanced at the clock again, "ten minutes, maybe?" he suggested, but they both knew it was a demand.

"O-kay! Misa- Misa will be there then! Bye!" Misa's on the verge of annoying voice rang, he quickly returned the goodbye, and just before he hung up he heard a very annoying, "KYAA!" noise.

He sighed for what seemed like the millionth time since this morning and rubbed his eyes tiredly. 'This is good for me.' He chanted in his head, but the buzzing at the back of his head reminded himself of that this was most definitely was committing adultery, and was wrong. Even if he was doing it for the best, it doesn't mean it was right. Not one hundred percent correct anyways.

He quickly read over the recent reports, trying to find a way, _any_ way for him to forget the nagging buzz.

The doorbell rang signaling Misa's arrival.

L got up and almost groaned. He was so stiff. He slouched back into his usual walking position and stalked over to the door, opening it to reveal a very perky Misa. She was bouncing on the balls of her feet, and immediately got into L's face before L even had time to blink. Not that the owl-eyed detective blinked much.

"Hey Love-y! Misa-Misa missed you!" She squawked and hugged the detective, who was used to solitude, into a vice grip hug, that rivaled the hugs from a drunk Matsuda's.

The detective smiled a strained smile, "I missed you to Misa. How are you?" he asked politely, even though he knew he really didn't care that much.

"Great now that you're hear." Misa purred the cheesy line that she obviously got when google-ing 'how to get someone to bed' and L felt like throwing up a little. He mentally berated himself, he loved her L reminded himself.

He merely plastered his smile, and muffed Misa's hair a bit. "I love you." L said quietly, trying to reassure Misa, but really was trying to convince himself of that.

Misa smiled a little, then it disappeared, "Then why are you pretending to be a fagot?" She growled, and L took three deep calming breaths. Instead of slapping the girl upside the head, he sighed wearily.

"Misa-chan. We've gone over this many times." L paused to give a pitiful look to Misa, "You know I love you and only you. The only reason I even want to be within two miles of Light is because I need information for the Kira case. Once I get enough evidence, we'll get him into jail, or killed. But I'd understand if you can't wait that long... If you want to move on to someone better, giving you the right amount of attention." L sniffed sadly, mentally snickering at the way Misa swooned at his almost-but-not-quite obvious lie.

He was tackled suddenly with Misa's lips at his neck. Somehow their close ended up on the floor and they tumbled into L's and Light's shared bedroom. "Misa-Misa will always love her L." She whispered breathlessly, and L repeated the words, forcing himself.

* * *

Light sighed quietly as he finally reached the last question of his exam. It was seven parts, thirty questions or so in each part, and that was only for the science exams, which was his last test. The question was fairly easy:

During the S phase of the cell cycle . . .

A. Cells twist themselves into an S–_like shape_ in preparation for cell division

B. Cells start the process of cell division

C. Cells take a _siesta_ from the hard work of cell division and are temporarily _sedentary_

D. DNA is replicated, or synthesized, in preparation for cell division*

Expect... The test booklet was in German. So many students were taking the test at the time, that by the time they got to him, they ran out of Japanese and English booklets. So he received the German edition, which the teacher watching him take it, who hated being shown up by Light all the time, smirked at. He circled the answer, and closed the impossibly think booklet. He smiled as he looked around, all his other peers were still about twenty pages into the test, when he was finished. He quickly read over it, making sure each answer was correct before pulling together his things and handing the Professor the answer sheet and the booklet with a satisfied smirk as the mentor stared in awe at his student.

Light smiled politely at him, rearranged his book-bag's strap on his shoulder and left.

As he got in the car, he thought about L. That was pretty much the only thing that he ever thought about now. He smiled a lovesick smile, running his fingers through his naturally soft hair. He almost pinched himself, he was acting like a love-struck schoolgirl!

But it wasn't his fault L had such beautiful eyes, with the most adorable panda-like bags under his eyes... Or the fact that the way he sits reminds him of an adorable little kid, and his smile was enough to die for... Or that his love of sweets was so cute... And his long, unruly hair was so shiny and addicting to run your fingers through... And his oh-so kissable lips...

Light sighed dreamily and slapped himself on the cheek. Hard. Rubbing it he turned the last turn to where his love was.

L was the only one he ever loved, besides his family. The fair headed boy cherished these memories that the two shared, even if it was as little as one pouring the other some life-saving coffee.

He smiled prettily and opened the door to L's apartment. Huh. It was unlocked. It was _never _unlocked! He scrunched his eyes confusedly but continued in anyways. He slammed

* * *

"Ryuzaki! I'm home!" Light called, slamming the door behind him. L slowly moved toward the clock, it was only two fifty, why was he home? He tried thinking of something to say, but all he could think of is SHIT.

He tried rushing Misa to the bathroom to hide, but she tripped over one of the legs on L's chair, bringing L down with her.

Light opened the door as soon as L muttered a 'oomf'. His honey-brown eyes suddenly delated, all signs of happiness fading away from them. Then the detective realized that he was home early because it was the first trimester exams today, so he was home early. The college student's eyes slid from Misa, to L, back to Misa, then took a step back in disgust.

"What the hell, fag!" Misa growled, and Light flinched back a little. He was never referred to that way in his entire life. Tears sprung forth from his eyes, daring to leak out. He brought a hand to his forehead, wondering if he had a fever, because he felt sick. And disgusted.

There was a slight pause in the air, it was awkward, because both L and Misa were waiting for Light's reaction. "W-Why?" He finally croaked, turning his glassy eyes to L.

The said detective opened his mouth to say something, and Light expected to hear a speech about how he loves him, and wants him back or something along those lines, but all he heard was, "Because I wanted to."

* * *

**A/N: This sucks. I know, I know. **

***- If anyone knows the answer, you are one smart cookie. **

**:) No googling. **

**Leave a review, and I will update A.S.A.P.**


	2. Reality

**A/N: Wow, I'm so surprised at the number of reviews I've got! 6 and it's only been like a couple days! Thank you, thank you! And no, Light will not be Kira, it doesn't tie in with the story, sorry! So I guess it AU? Uh, and OOC... I'm sorry. If I was to make them exactly in character, than there wouldn't be a point to fanfics! Oh and MattxMello, Near/Mello/Matt/Light sibling relationship.**

**It's my birthday~ Please leave a review, for me?**

**This is to the people who got injured/killed in the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. **

**Poll! Should L and Light get back together? And How? **

Essence- Reality

Light's eyes turned rock hard, the tears falling, but before Misa or L could see, he sped out the door. L stared at the door that just sounded and sighed, running his pale fingers through his sticky with sweat hair. He felt a strange pulling at his heart, guilt he presumed. It was kind of ironic, he made a living getting other people into justice and making them feeling guilty, but now he was the guilty one.

He stared at Misa for a second, "Misa, I'll call you later, please exit this apartment." L said to her, knowing that he most likely won't be calling Misa.

Misa grinned brightly, "O-kay L-kun! Misa-Misa will wait for you to call, and don't feel guilty for the gay scum! He totally deserved it!"

L nodded his usual nod, but you couldn't really tell, because his chin was tucked all the way into his neck, slouching as usual. He ushered Misa out and closed the door, sliding down the wall as he did so.

He made Light _cry. _Really cry. And this was Light, Mr. I'm-so-buff-that-no-one-could-get-to-me Light. He never shows weakness, ever. So why did he cry? Was it just an act? No, that can't be possibe, he said he loved him. Unless he was lying...

L thought hard. The heart was a really intriguing thing. It is able to love to such a passion that no one other than the person who owns the heart could comprehend, yet it could hate with such a fiery vigor, that one would think the heart wasn't capable to love.

The heart makes you do things you wouldn't have done, say things you wouldn't have said whether it was for the good or for the worst. What L wouldn't give to read other people's heart.

The ringing of his cellphone shook him from his thoughts, he checked the caller ID, seeing it was from 'Restricted' told him it was from Wammy's.

"Hello?" He asked, pressing the phone to his ear as hard as he could, because he was holding it the way he usually did, at the tip using just his thumb and index finger.

"Hi L-I mean Ryuzaki." A familiar voice corrected.

"Mello?" L asked, surprised.

"The one and only, dearie." Mello drawled, "Anyways, me, Matt and Near are coming over. Crashing at Light's partment'."

L's eyes widened considerably, to the point where most people would consider creepy, "Matt, Near and I, Mello." He corrected, unable to help himself. He practically heard Mello rolling his eyes.

"As if I give. And to answer your question to why because I know you want to know." Mello said, "Matty-a faint 'DON'T CALL ME THAT' echoed from the background, anyways Matt wants to go to Japan, PMSing or something. And me and Near want to visit Light, haven't seen my big bro in a while."

L half smiled. "Okay, so are you helping on the Kira case?" He asked even though he knew the answer.

"No." Came the reply, and L did a double take.

"What. Do. You. Mean. No?" L ground out uncharacteristically. What did he mean no? That should be the only reason they were coming anyways!

"Because, ME, Matt and Near are already helping out Light, he called us a while ago and we've been helping him. So we've got no time between helping him, hanging out and what not." He waved the topic off.

"Still, why aren't you helping? This is probably the only case that I can't do on my own, and yet you say no? Mello-kun."

"Oh, stop getting so adapted to Japan, and don't refer to me as a little kid, please. Light may let you get away with it, but I wont." Mello evaded the question.

"Fine. Mello, the question?" L asked

"Erg, because." Mello paused thinking, "I trust Light." He said bluntly.

L blinked. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"You know for the world's greatest detective, your pretty dumb."

"Three greatest, thank you very much. Now, the question?" L felt like he's been asking that a lot these days.

"Because, Light is your biggest suspect. And your dating him. Need I say more?" Mello's voice rang in L's ear.

"Are you implying that I don't trust Light?"

"It's more than implying."

" So, what are you helping him with?" He asked trying to change the subjesct, not able to say Light just yet.

"Strictly confidential." Mello replied, "Besides, if Light didn't tell you and you two are practically married, what makes you think I would?"

L swallowed hard, he was going to find out either way. "Okay fine, when are you coming?"

"Now. I'm on the plane." He bluntly replied.

"What? Already? Why didn't you call me sooner?" L asked, Mello, Near and Matt told him everything!

"Hm, Oh, gotta go. Landing. See ya tomorrow, Ryuzaki." The blond with the 80's flapper cut responded distractedly. Probably thinking of making out with Matt.

There came the click.

L sighed again. He closed the phone, closed his eyes, wishing he could just sleep. Do something to get himself away from the cruel reality of life. He banged his head against the wall repeatedly.

* * *

Light ran as fast as he could out of that apartment, his tears blurring his sight. He ran across multiple streets, ignoring the squeal of tires as they stopped as to not run him over.

He slammed the door to his apartment close as he flopped onto his bed crying, burying his face in his pillow that smelled like L. His life. His love. His heart. His _everything._

It was suffocating him, the reality that L did cheat on him. He did want Misa, not even that she forced herself on him. He started sobbing again, it felt as though the seams of his entire existence was slowly being ripped apart molecule by molecule. All the happiness, all the emotion he felt with L the last few months, was like a good dream. Once you wake up, reality washes over you, and you're once back into your depressed, empty and boring life.

He hiccuped quietly, sitting up. He felt a spark of emotion. It felt like he wanted to give up. The pain was too much. In other words... Die. L was his one true happiness, the person who taught him to love, proved to really dislike him, going behind his back. He didn't really, really need to die, he just felt like he was already dead. He still had a reason to live. The fact that he had family and a couple of friends to live for, was more than a little heart warming.

Light opened his laptop, feeling hollow. He's been taking on cases under an alias as to if L was ever to find out. The only reason he even started doing this was because he felt that if L gets a secret life, stuff he could hide from him, then so should he.

He did this happily, taking on cases that L turns down, because it wasn't 'interesting' enough. It felt good to take on cases, bringing justice to criminals, helping the greater good and all that.

That let Light to think about Kira. He knew it was wrong, a sin. It was the lowest of the low, thinking you're god, passing judgement on people who might be doing things for reasons you didn't know. Only god can read people's hearts, and it was ridiculous how a puny human mortal would ever be capable of that. It was blaspheme, what it was.

That's why it hurt so much when L considers him Kira. He would never consider himself anything near god-like. He thought he deserved to burn in hell for all the wrongs he committed in his life.

He scanned the files of requests he received, noticing none very urgent. He sighed and closed the laptop, ready to go take a five hour long nap.

But, Sayu barged in, scaring Light so much that he actually jumped.

"Okay, dear ray of Light. Spit it out," Sayu demanded, "I know there's something wrong."

"What are you talking about Sayu?" Light asked passively, praying to Kami his tears dried up.

"Don't give me that!" She growled, raising a manicured hand.

"Argghhh..." The older sibling groaned, burying his head in his pillow.

"Shut up and tell me what's wrong. I know there is. Sister-brother connection and all that."

"I can't shut up and tell you something. One or the other, dear little sister." Light's muffled voice came.

"Aye! You know what I mean, smart aleck." Sayu tugged the pillow off her ni-san's face.

"Fine what do you want?" Light asked mildly.

The shorter of the two squinted at him. "Oh my Kami. You've been crying."

"N-No. I've not." Light said as silky and innocent as he could.

"Yes! It's all stained around the edges and everything!" Sayu accused.

"Are, okay I've been crying." Light admitted quietly.

"Why?" The high school girl asked, "My ni-san never cries."

"Okay, okay. I'll tell you." Light paused, "L was cheating on me."

Sayu's eyes widened comically, and a vein in her head popped. "He. What?" She growled.

"Cheated on me..." Light sniffed a little, and grabbed the pillow Sayu was almost tearing apart and used it to hide his almost-leaking-out tears.

"Oh, Light." Sayu said sympathetically, hugging him to her chest.

And that's how they stayed for the remainder of the day. Together, as Sayu tried to comfort her big brother to the best of her ability, secretly forming plans to get the insomniac detective back.

Until the phone rang. Light pulled it out of his jean pocket, "Hello?"

"Hey, Light-o."

"Mello?" the Japanese boy asked, already knowing the answer.

"Of course it's me! Jesus!" Mello said, feeling the strange sensation of Déjà vu as he remembered his recent conversation with L.

"Sorry, sorry. Kind of surprising though." Light apologized.

"Yeah, yeah. Oh by the way, we're coming up to your apartment right now." Mello said passively.

"What!"

"Yeah. We're crashing at your place. Helping with the case and all. You said so remember..." Mello said.

"Oh yeah, right. Life's been hectic so I've forgotten." Light laughs a little.

"Kay 'Kay Light, we have to go to the HQ soon though. See you in a bit. Peace out for now." Mello said, then hung up.

What? I have to go to the HQ? To see L? ARGGHHH! Why does Kami hate me? Light asked himself as he looked up at the ceiling.

"What's up?" Sayu asked.

"Mello and the boys are crashing at my apartment. They'll be up-" Light was cut off by the doorbell. "Now." He finished as he got up to open the door. He rubbed his eyes to hide the tear induced blotchiness.

He opened the wooden door, and laughed at the pose the genius children were making. Matt was playing his PSP quietly, Near was in his L-like pose and Mello. Er, Mello was striking a supermodel pose, leaning against the frame of the door.

He ushered them in. "Hello, guys." He grinned.

"Hey-o Light-o." was Mello's reply.

"Yo." Came from Matt.

"Hi." Left Near's childlike lips.

* * *

**A/n 2: Okay, so I'd put this in AN 1 but then you'd know what was coming. Lol. I hope this lives up to your expectations, and yes I have a reason for making the boys come. Mwahahaa. You'll see. You'll all see~**

**Anyways, see you next update!**

**-Friendship is like peeing yourself. Everyone can see it, but you're the only person who feels the warm fuzzy feeling.-**


	3. Pain

**A/N: Thank you to all the reviewers! You totally made my birthday great! This story's so far been a blast to write, and now I'm grinning like Ryuk. You people do this to me. -sigh-**

Essence- Pain

Mello and Matt were entwined on the loveseat while Near crouched on the floor, all looking at Light who promptly blushed. "What?" the honeyed male asked.

"We're waiting for the reason why you freaked out when we said we had to go to the HQ." Mello said matter-of-factly.

"Hm. I don't know what you're talking about, Mello-Jello." Light lied smoothly, playing with a strand of hair from his fringe.

"Lies. I thought you'd be happy to see a certain Mr.L." Mello and Matt wagged their eyebrows simultaneously at Light, who squirmed uncomfortable-ly.

"Of course I am…" The Kira suspect stuttered.

"Rightttttttt….." Mello said sarcastically, glaring Light down.

"Light? I think we should be heading to the headquarters now. We don't want to keep L waiting." Near's quiet-compared-to-Mello's voice murmured softly as he twirled his hair.

Mello and Matt gasped in mock-horror. "Near being… NICE to someone AND talking?" Matt whispered, obviously 'shocked' at Near's supposedly strange behavior.

Light and Sayu laughed with Mello and Matt, but Sayu leaned into her big brother's ear and whispered, "When are you going to tell them about you-know who?"

"Whom." Light corrected back, still evading the question, not knowing the answer to that question himself.

"But yeah, Near. Let's go." The elder of all five of them stoop up and stretched. They all nodded and started to leave the building, leaving Light to lock the door.

They all walked and talked, ignoring the funny glances from the other inhabitants of the particular community Light lived in. I mean, who blames them? It's not everyday you see a brown-haired gorgeous guy, with her equally beautiful sister, along with a stunning blood-redhead wearing goggles, his blond, chocolate-and-leather obsessed boyfriend and an albino sheep. Seriously.

Light was dreading the events that would most likely unfold when you put him-the as sensitive as a pregnant woman Light, in the same room as L-the epitome of I-don't-care.

Sayu spotted one of her many friends, and realized she was late for her study-session. "Light, I'll call you tonight. Gotta go before Yuuki kills me." She waved and ran off.

Light waved at her back, even though she couldn't see it. "So, M&M plus N. How was life at Wammy's?"

"Eh. Pretty boring. A couple explosions, Roger threatening to quit even though he knows he loves us to much to actually do it." Matt grinned here.

"Yeah; Near plotting to kill me, even though he actually ruvs me." Mello coed at Near, who scowled and tugged on his hair.

"Oh, there's the face! He's currently scheming the way you die, Mello, dear." Matt laughs as he went to light a cigarette, which Light made him give it to him by holding out an outstretched hand. He dropped it in his palm, and sighed when the elder gave him a look. He put one more pack in his hand which Light raised a delicate eyebrow at. Matt sighed as he dropped three more in and wiggled his fingers, signaling he was done.

"Thank you" Light said shortly and tossed it in the near by trashcan.

"Wow-zers. Matt giving up his smokes… Fuuuuuu"- Mello started, but was interrupted by Light's clearing of throat. "-Dge." The blond finished and smiled innocently.

They walked in an almost awkward but not quite silence, to the head quarters.

Matt was humming the Mission Impossible theme, which was almost ironic, Near was trying to crouch and walk at the same time making him look like an albino crab, Mello was trying to fit an entire Hershey's bar into his tight-as-fudge leather pants pocket, before giving up and shoving it down his crotch, making them all (excluding Near who never laughs) laugh.

They opened the door to the HQ, entering the classy hotel-like place. Light typed in the very simple three-digit password. It was L's birthday, which was insanely obvious. "It's so obvious, but so genius! It's hiding it in plain sight!" The detective had argued.

Light was nervously tugging at his bangs, praying to all his lucky stars that nothing _too_ bad was to happen. Like if Mello, Matt and Near was to find out about L cheating, would they dislike him? No, no. Light was just being paranoid… Right?

They listened to the cheesy music playing in the elevator as they rode, up, up, up all the way to the wizard of oz. But seriously, him and L are pretty similar!

* * *

L stared at the monitor as he watched Light, and his three successors talking rather animatedly within themselves, but he noticed something was different. Well, a couple things actually. First, Mello, Matt and Near were all so tall. He wouldn't put it past Mello to reach at least his chin. Maybe five-seven or so. Himself was only six feet-two, without him slouching. Second. Light's eyes were peculiar, slightly different; it was swirling again, looking glassy and breakable. Like the porcelain at Wammy's, it was almost like it was tipping by itself, threatening to shatter into a million shards which was almost a badly written metaphor by Matsuda describing Light's heart.

He watched as Mello waved at Watari whose leathery with wrinkles skin crinkled as he smiled.

The detective wriggled his toes as he thought of the possible scenarios that could and would unfold if he didn't plan this perfectly.

He called Mello on a whim, telling him to go to the HQ, so he didn't really think about what would happen.

L was using the Kira case as an alibi if Light wanted to know why he wanted to see him. He nodded to himself at that.

He watched as Light's eyes got cloudier and mistier at each step he took that brought him nearer to the door to the room L was in with sadness and… Fear? L cocked his head to the side as he tried to find a reason why Light would be afraid of him.

He cursed to himself as he heard the doorknob click signaling that they have arrived.

He opened his cell phone and noticed several messages from a certain blond girl, all involving her getting worried and coming over.

The detective groaned inwardly, eyes widening considerably as it read fifteen minutes ago, that means- L counted the meters between him and Misa then converted into a time- in about ten minutes, all hell will break loose.

Oh fu-dge.

* * *

Light bit his lip as he took the dreaded steps to L's room he pressed down harder as he draw closer. He pretended to tie his shoes to prolong the time, but it was in vain, for Mello decided to drag him along. He cursed as he opened the door to L's room.

And there, in his bad-posture, white shirt, living every girl's dream eating all the sweets he wants without getting fat, glory was L. The panda. The freaking skinny owl, in his natural habitat, in front of the computer.

"Yo L." Mello and Matt chorused, grinning widely as they went to hug L.

Light and Near lingered by the doorway awkwardly. "Hello, Light." L said politely, twiddling his thumbs absentmindedly.

"Hi." Light said shortly, not looking at the detective because it hurt. It hurt that he was just a tool. It hurt that he didn't love him back. It hurt like hell.

Light's eyes were fixed on a block of sugar that was in L's teacup as he waited for the awkward silence to drag out. Luckily Mello-God bless his soul ended it, "So, L! What you call us here for?" He asked cheerfully, struggling as he tried to take out his crotch-chocolate.

L shrugged and said innocently, "Nothing really. The Kira case has been fruitless. Something you want to confess Light?"

"I'm not Kira."

"Light, L, I can't help but to notice the awkward atmosphere of this room. Is something the matter?" Near's timid voice called out from the corner as he twirled his hair thoughtfully.

"No." L and Light said in unison. Near raised and eyebrow, but said no more.

The pounding at the door signaled a certain blond's arrival. Light looked at L for the first time, and felt his heart pound loudly against his chest. Absolutely unaffected, as usual. Light's heart broke a little more, as the walls against his heart slowly began to build itself back together.

Near got up, he was the closest one to the door and opened it. Standing outside was obviously Misa in her short lacy dress, fishnets, and breathing heavily. He blinked, eyes scanning Misa up and down. He turned to Mello, "I thought you learned your lesson about hookers."

Mello looked insulted, "I have better tastes in women than that," He looked at Misa than back at the albino, "and that wasn't me."

Misa gasped, "Who are these people, and why are they insulting Misa-Misa?"

"Um, Near, Mello. Meet Misa. L's-" Light swallowed hard shutting his eyes, "-girlfriend."

The chocolate fell from Mello's fingers, Near stopped twirling his hair and Matt dropped his DS. "Girlfriend?" Mello asked anger and confusion soaking his voice as he whirled around to face L.

"Yes. Meet Misa." L's monotone voice rang out. "Girlfriend." Mello repeated to himself in shock and disbelief. "What about Light?" Near whispered letting his legs fall from under him and sat in a normal person way.

"L was cheating on me... With Misa. I found out earlier today." Light's usually smooth voice croaked out as a single tear rolled down his cheek. There was a silence. Mello broke it again, this time in anger.

"L! How could you! You-You BASTARD! Light let's you in after almost seven months! You're supposed to always be good. You HYPOCRITE! You know what! I don't effing care that I'm number two! I'd rather give up my chocolate than represent you! All my life, I was taught that you were good, righteous even. And than you commit adultery! Something you've thrown people in jail for? You know what! SCREW YOU." He spat venomously, a couple angry tears trailing down his cheek as he stormed out of the room.

"Mello..." Matt whispered, never seeing his lover so distraught. He ran after him, hoping to calm him down. Light just stared at the door that stood open, showing Matt racing down the hall after Mello. Time seemed to slow down as Near got up slowly.

"L... How could you?" He asked softly, going over to Light and hugged him. Light hugged back numbly, kneeling down to pick Near up.

"I'm sorry. But I love Misa, and the only way to be with her and have better chances of getting information on Kira was like this." L said, standing up to go to Misa. Light shook his head, hearing the words he desperately wanted to hear for himself. He buried his head in Near's shoulder, and fled the room, Near still in his arms.

He slowed down after finding Mello and Matt back at his apartment. He let Near out of his arms, and he collapsed on the floor, feeling sick of his life.

* * *

**Okay, It has been far too long and this chapter is far to short. So sorry! I've been sick and I ran out of ideas... Thanks for sticking with me, and this chapter is for wordbombs, for being my very first reviewer!**


	4. Histories

**A/N: Hello all! So I realized that I'm making Light go through a ton of torture, then I saw that L is getting off clean for this fic. That's not going to work... -Evil thoughts for L because he hurt Light-chan and made my precious viewers cry- Hehehe.**

**Thank you so much, Tsukiakari Dono for making that awesome review! Totally made my day~ And no way can I eat all that... I'm not L, I'll get fat... :'(**

Essence- Histories

"Light! Wake up!" A mild voice called down at Light. He cranked open his eyes and winced. It was too bright. He saw Mello, Matt and Near gathered around him, all worried. "L..." He whispered, tears rolling down his cheek, making him look innocent and vulnerable. The words that L said were engraved into his heart. The pain that came with them were seamed into his heart as well.

"Oh, Light!" Mello said sympathetically in a ridiculously posh english accent, throwing his arms around Light's neck and leaned into his ear. "Next time I see that two-timing asshat, I'll snap him to pieces."

Light cracked a obviously fake smile up at him, "Mello. What would I do without you?"

Mello grinned and moved out of the way for Near. He attempted to crawl into Light's lap, which he temporarily stopped to sit up and lean his head against the door. "I'm sorry Light. If I'd known what had happened, I wouldn't have made you walk off to that terrible event." Near said guiltily twirling his hair at a faster pace than normal, purposely not saying specifically what had happened.

Light smiled sadly, reaching up to take Near's hand out of his hair. "It's okay. I don't blame you. You didn't know."

"You know, even if we are- were for me- his successors, I'll always be closer to you." Mello said thoughtfully, joining Near and Light as he curled up against them.

"I agree." Near said almost immediately.

Matt hesitated and pushed up his goggles so they rest on the crown of his scarlet head. "I'm not taking sides or anything, but I have to agree with that." Then he laid down with his head in Mello's lap.

They stayed like that for a while, and the hole that L shot through Light's heart closed a little, and he was warmed of the feeling of love that washed over him. So that is what is feels like, Light mused, to feel loved. Even if it wasn't the kind of love Light wanted, but it still felt good. Like a warm chocolate chip cookie.

* * *

Mello was crying silently on the couch of Light's apartment, which he opened with the spare key under the mat, where he had crash landed. L cheated on Light... The four words didn't seem to make sense to him. He's seen the pictures, the way they interacted with each other. It just didn't make sense.

L couldn't of cheated, it defied all logic. Logic, plans, strategy, all the things that Mello had grown up to in the orphanage. All the words that was the foundation to his life. The blond then realized that he knew nothing of people, to him life was graphs and charts, so two dimension and flat. Mello had grown up isolated from the world, in a building full of geniuses and to get a name, a personality a life, was to be the smartest.

He honestly didn't mind being second place anymore, he would always be a robot, a lifeless robot in the eyes of everyone else. A tool to L. And he saw that that was what he was, a tool. A successor. Mello didn't get to have a personality, he would be taking on L's. He didn't want to be that, a tool that could be replaced easily, like what happened with his parents. He wasn't good enough for them.

That his a pang in Mello's heart. He hadn't thought about his parents for a long time. He was thrown out of the house and into the street by them. He had no friends, no family. Nothing.

Then there was Matt. That name made Mello's heart flutter. He didn't know what to think about him at first. Was he a friend or an enemy? But now, he couldn't even describe what he felt about him. Like it was beyond words, beyond Mello's comprehension. It was love... Real love...

Which found Mello in Matt's lap as he smiled through his tears, wondering how in the world did he go from a scrawny friendless twit to a sixteen year old man with the most amazing boyfriend.

Mello met Light for the first time. They clicked into place, they were close friends. Mello looked up to Light since that day, how he took on everything with a half-smile, even in the most grim situations.

He felt terrible for him, he remembered all the times they talked about how it was like to be in love, and now Mello knew what Light meant when he said that love was beyond all human comprehension. How you had to be it to feel it. And then Light got his heart crumbled up and thrown away as if it was nothing else but scrap paper. It made Mello feel squeamish, almost paranoid. That would never happen to him and Matt, right?

* * *

Light stared at the low ceiling of his classroom. It was yearbook time. Today he would get a documentary of his life in the last year of high school. How fun. The teacher passed them out at homeroom and he flipped threw it, waiting for Mello and Matt to come. They could blend in as a highschooler, Near, not so much. So he stayed home and did whatever a Near did.

He smiled bitterly as he saw the one picture with Ryuzaki in it. A simple picture, just one with him and L relaxing after Tennis, but it meant the world to Light. He wished it was the same between him and L again, when they weren't a couple, just friends. When looking at L didn't hurt. When he didn't have a reason to cry for. When he was _happy_.

The brunette got up from his position sitting lotus-style on a chair to a standing stretch and went to his locker. And of course, there was Mello and Matt.

They smiled at each other, a silent understanding passing through. And understanding of what, neither was sure. "We got yearbooks today. Here's mine." Light handed the heavy volume over to the two.

The couple scanned threw it silently. It was the end of the day so they left and headed home to Light's apartment. When they got there, Mello asked questions. "Light, who's this?" He inquired, pointing at a picture of him and a girl riding piggy-back. Light's eyes darkened. "That's Yuki."

"What was her relationship to you?"

"Best friend and girlfriend for a while." Light replied quietly.

"Girlfriend? You two looked so happy together? What the hell happened?" Mello asked bluntly.

"Kira killed her parents, she got sent away to an orphanage and I never saw her again." Light sniffed, rubbing his eyes.

The younger of the two's eyes widened, "Oh my god! I'm so sorry I brought it up!" Mello apologized."It's fine." Light reassured, flopping down on his couch. Cupid really did hate him, didn't he.

"Light. Why do you love someone who only manipulates you?" Mello asked refering to L.

* * *

L watched the scene from his security cameras he had Watari install in Light's apartment which he now was thankful for. Looking at Light's crying made his stomach lurch and his heart bend with guilt. He wanted to just hug Light and tell him he did love him. Inner L chanted "I am straight. I am straight."

He smiled bitterly as Mello called him an asshat. He was an asshat, for lack of a better word. L wasn't a robot. He had feelings, but masked them with a poker face unmatched by anyone else. It hurt when he listened to his oldest successor say that speech to him earlier. It made him feel terrible as he watched the misery and pain flood into Light's usually beautiful face.

He sniffed loudly, reaching up and was shocked to find a shining tear on his index finger. He hadn't shed a tear since his days as child, when he realized he was alone. All alone. The tear shone in the light, which L almost smiled at the irony. Light... Like his light, light eyes, shining deep into the world. It was times like these when L really doubted Light was Kira. The percents went down, which Light would be thankful for- if he wasn't too busy crying his eyes out at for L.

L sighed, guilt overwhelmingly taking over his heart. It was going fast, as L tried not to cry. With every lub-dub that the detective felt, he heard Light's words echo in his mind. "I love you. I love you." He wanted to rewind his life and tell Light he did love him, too. But he couldn't. It was late. Too late...

They left for school the next morning after a night of L continually stares at Light. The way his chest rise and fell with each breath. How he kept muttering his name. All with an elegance he alone possessed. L sighed rather love-sickly at it all.

The detective was just about ready to doze off but the sound of a door slamming brought his attention back awake.

...

"Light. Why do you love someone who only manipulates you?" Mello asked. L leaned closer to the television as he awaited Light's answer.

"I don't love someone who only manipulates me." Light said after a pregnant silence. L's jaw drops a little. So Light was just faking loving him?  
"I love L." Light added on, and L smiled at those words, even though he shouldn't have.

"But he cheated on you, didn't he?" Mello said.

"Yes he did, but it doesn't mean I don't love him anyless than before." said Light.

"Light, he doesn't like you back. Why would you want him back?"

"Because Mello, I can't choose the people I love. And even if I could, I would still love L. He is my light, my love, my song. He's the reason I wake up in the morning. The reason why I haven't comitted suicide yet, Mello." Light said pathetically, "He was and always be my everything. Without him... I'm nothing. Nobody."

L gasped, he didn't realize Light's feelings went down so deep. But he doubted that that was the only reason that Light wanted to kill himself. L's heart soared as he heard those words, he's heard them from Misa before, but she just didn't say it the way that Light did. So weary and sick of life, that L was the last strand of hope Light had of happiness. And it was true. L was Light's happiness.

"Oh, Light." Matt cries sympathetically, and Mello hugs Light crushingly.

"I'm so sorry Light. For everything. But there has to be another reason why you'd want to even think about comitting suicide, correct?" Near says suddenly coming out from behind the curtain.

"Yes, Near. There is. And you shouldn't be sorry for me," Light said quietly and emotionally, "You want to know why I'm so smart right now?"

They nodded. "It's because, I- My family hates me. All except Sayu."

"I am not part of my family. I'm a bastard, literally. My mum got drunk and had got pregnant to another male, making me. The person devil's spawn to them. I was the reason my parents almost got divorced. How I practically ripped my family apart. It was my fault. All my fault." Light sobbed, and the seams around his heart ripped.

"Light!" The three said together going in to hug him.

"I spent countless hours studying, reading, anything to ignore the voices that blamed me, the voices that haunted my dreams. I didn't go to sleep for weeks after I realized it was my fault that my family was falling to pieces. I cried and cried and prayed and prayed. Nothing worked. I would always be a bastard, the thing that ruined my family. And then there was Sayu. She was the product of the make-up of my parents. Which is why I'll forever be in the shadow of her. And what's worse? She doesn't even know it. And I don't want her to. I refuse for her to grow up like me, scarred and terrified of being inadequate. I'll never live up to my parents standards. Ever." Light cried out and then, he saw black. Remembering those dreams, memories, words, everything Light's mind just blurred.

L stared at the frozen, pale body of Light, and freaked out, his mind driving overdrive. Light's past was this bad? The poor baby, at the tender age of seventeen knew so much about the wrongs and faults of the world. It made L cry for him, for the second time. L ran out of the HQ heading straight to Light's apartment building

* * *

**Sorry for the nothing-happening/boring chapter. I needed you guys to know about their pasts, it'll make the rest make sense. :) And thank you for all the nice reviews and no flames, it makes me want to roll around squealing. I wrote a small snippet of the next chapter all ready, so I'll see you in less time than last time. Bye!**


	5. Everything Changes

**A/N: No way is L getting Light till he really suffers, hehehe...**

**To i-read-alo t- Thanks for the comment, and I do hope you enjoy this chapter. I wish I had a sister. I grew up with two brothers... **

** Tsukiakari Dono - I must say, that is the longest review I have ever received. And thank you! Lol, who doesn't like L/Light suffering? **

Essence- Everything Changes

Near stared and the lifeless body, too shocked to speak. Mello however, added this to fuel his hate for L. "How dare he! Making Light's life even worse than it already was! God!" He glared at the floor, picturing L's face as he pounded his fist into his palm. They stayed quiet for a moment just staring at Light in sympathy.

L cracked the door open as Mello tensed, hands on his belt as he readied to whip a gun out and shoot the brains out of an intruder. His glare only hardened as he realized who it was. He jumped to his feet. "L." He spat with hatred and venom dripping from his tone. L blinked, his shoulders hunched over, no emotion peeking through his mask of indifference. "Hello, Mello-kun."

Matt stood up and put a hand on Mello's shoulder, calming him down slightly. "Yes L?" Matt asked, obviously nicer than Mello's. "I would like to take Yagami-kun back to the HQ."

"Hell no." Mello said flat out, "Light's staying with me. You'd probably just throw him into a cell."

"No, I wouldn't do that." L said in a tone of voice as if he was saying "maybe I will, maybe I won't." Then he reached down and tried to grasp Light's shoulder, which Near pushed away. "No." He said simply, "I don't want Light-kun to suffer anymore. L, in all due respect, that will not happen if he sees you."

L pulled back suddenly, "What happened? Mello, we used to be close. What happened?" L repeated.

"What. Happened!" Mello exclaimed incredulously, panting slightly as Matt watched with pain in his eyes. "What happened was that YOU cheated on Light. YOU manipulated his feelings and left him traumatized. YOU were the one good thing that happened to Light, and then you blow him off like he's some dog you find in an alley! YOU did this!" Mello shrieked and tugged on his hair, as tears budded on his eyelids. "He loved you L... Really loved you." he said softly then latched onto Matt.

"Mello, I know what I did. And I do regret it, if I could take it back, I would." L begged, traces of pain etching his face. Near hesitated, "I'm sorry L. Please leave."

L stared longingly at Light, but obliged and left into the rain, tears blending with the cold droplets of rain. He had his chance and he blew it. L could've been happy. He could have taken away Light's pain, but he couldn't. Not anymore.

And now as L thought on his chair, pain clutching in his heart, he felt stupid. And that was a first. He wanted Light back, more than anything in the world, and now he couldn't have him. It brought the old saying, "You don't miss something until it's really gone" up into his mind, and he stared at a miniscule fray on the carpet thinking about Light.

Light looked so happy, so secure of himself, who would've thought he had a past that dark? He really was a good actor, which almost made L raise his Kira percentage, which he cursed himself for even thinking about that. Light really did love him.

And what killed him was that he was Light's first love. As in, Light would never forget him, and it wasn't even a passing faze. It was the kind of love you see on a school playground, when the girl and boy holds hands and blush and laugh. He didn't have a proper childhood, both L and Light, so they never even had that before. Light had wormed his way through L's barriers and got himself comfortable in his heart. And all it took was a different view of Light. A change of circumstance.

* * *

Light had been swimming in his memories that he thought he had long buried away, memories he never wanted to think of again. He forced himself away from them, and into the reality of the cruel world. He whimpered, his heart clenching as he remembered what had happened. The brunette was buried under a large comforter on his bed, feeling oddly cold and empty. "Uh." He muttered as he tried to pull himself up to lean his aching neck on the headboard.

"You're finally awake!" Mello exclaimed as he walked in, a cup of water in hand. He held up one finger, telling Light to hold on a sec and opened the door. "MATTY-POO! NEAR! HE'S AWAKE!" He shouted suddenly, and Light jumped three feet into the air at the sudden loudness and landed into a heap on his bed. Mello grinned sheepishly as he noticed. "Sorry."

"S'Okay." Light grumbled trying to get out the echoes in his mind. Matt and Near walked in awkwardly. Light smiled slightly at them and Near and Matt gave a small one back.

"What happened after I blacked out?" Light asked emptily.

"L came over..." Mello started and the elder's eyes grew wide and fearful, "We talked somethings over... And he left..."

"What things over?" Light asked, scared to know the answer.

"Hm, nothing really... He said he wanted you back, we told him to get the hell out, eh, nothing special." Mello said passively.

"He said... He wanted me back?" Light whispered, a small spark of hope coming up.

"Yes... But he might've been lying." Matt said, noticing the hope and not wanting to give Light false hopes.

"I want to see L." Light said quietly. "Please call him Matt, I think you're the only one on speaking terms with L at the moment."

Matt hesitated, but sighed and nodded, pulling out a very high-tech phone and leaving the room to talk. Near sat by Light's side hugging his arm. "Light. I don't know anymore." he whispered.

"You don't know what, Near?" Light whispered back, brushing down his white hair.

"What to do. What to say. Nothing. If feels terrible, having no strategy or plan." Near said confusedly.

"So, now you know what I feel, Near-o-body-o-pal." Mello laughs quietly, sitting down next to Light as well. "What do you mean you two?" Light asks, thoroughly bemused.

"Light, we grew up in a orphanage with other geniuses and Mini Ls. We relied on strategy and knowledge to get a life, or to get known. It was the point of the orphanage." Mello explained and Near nodded.

"If feels... Strange. Not knowing what to do or say." said Near, and scrunched his nose up in distaste. "Yeah... Especially with relationships. Me and Matt were pretty much the only couple in that lot of geniuses." Mello agreed and added on.

Light laughs a little hollow chuckle, "I wish I was like you, never having to worry about things like love. It would be so much less complicated."

Matt chose that moment to walk in, "He said yes. But he wants it to be just between you two."

Light bit his lip in hesitation, "Okay."

"What!" Mello shrieked, obviously not liking that idea.

"Mello. I have to. I love him. You know better than anyone how it's like to be in love," Light said pleading with Mello with his eyes, "I love him."

And Mello melted but hissed to save face, "Okay, fine. Just don't go crying to me when he breaks your heart even more."

Light sighed, "There came a time where my heart just couldn't break anymore, Mello. All chances of me being happy flew out the window a long time ago. This could be my only chance." he whispered, voice cracking twice.

"Sorry I hissed at you." Mello apologized then hugged him.

Matt gasped, "Mello just apologized! I have never seen something so two-thousand-twelve-like!" His boyfriend slapped him upside the head growling.

"Wow Mello, you're so effeminate when you're pissed." Matt commented dryly.

"Effeminate! Why you litte-!" Mello took two deep breaths then said in a sickening sweet voice, "I hope you enjoy two weeks of abstinence, Matty."

"What! Aw..." Matt pouted and Light turned bright red. "Okay... I think I'll be going now." He said awkwardly, still blushing.

"'Kay. Bye Light-o. And Matt, we _will_ talk about this later." Mello growled and Matt pulled back, scared.

Light left the two lovebirds in peace, with Near that is.

* * *

The honeyed male took a deep breath and nodded to reassure himself, holding up a fist to knock. As soon as he reached it, L whipped the door open. Light blinked surprisedly, and looked down. "Hello, Yagami-kun."

"Good evening, Ryuzaki." Light replied politely, and fidgeted under L's intense gaze.

"Thank you for coming. Please come in." L thanked him with a bored expression. The younger of the two gave a tense smile then walked in and sat down on the table.

"Light, I'm sorry. Please forgive me for wronging you. I deeply regret it." L muttered, in a tone of voice as if it was a recording, or he was reading from a script.

"L, I don't know why you did it. What did I do wrong?" Light asked, his voice turning slightly gruff in an attempt to hold in tears.

"You didn't do anything wrong, Light-kun. I didn't know my feelings, and I was in love with Misa." L explained, no specific emotion. Light's eyes turned dark at the mention of her.

"Was in love with Misa." Light repeated quietly then in a misty faraway voice he said, "There is no such thing as was in love. Because if you truly, really loved someone, there wouldn't be a was. You would love the person forever, and never want to let him go. And for feelings, you're not supposed to. When you love someone, you can't explain your feelings about them. Like they're the best thing that ever happened to you, and you smile whenever you see their face."

L blinked at the sudden philosophical speech, and realized Light was talking about him. It hurt his heart knowing that. "Light, I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you. If I could take it back, I would. Please forgive me." he begged looking into Light's deep amber eyes, finally showing the smallest ounce of emotion.

Light had an inner war with himself, debating and listing the pros and cons of his situation. "Okay." He finally decided and he saw relief flood in L's eyes. Light reached over toward L and hugged him, warmth filling his chest. The elder looked into his eyes, the ones glowing with happiness and slowly brought his arms around Light's waist, returning the hug. Light pulled back, smiling happily.

"So are you back in the Kira case?" L asked suddenly, and Light's glowing eyes turned murky with suspicion.

"That's the only reason you wanted me back on the case?" Light asked accusingly and L's eyes widened. "No-"

"You know what L! The one time I believe you, the one time I'm happy is the time you lie to me. How is that supposed to make me feel? L, I love you more than anything, but if you don't feel the same, I'm not going to force you to." Light burst out, then slid off his chair and onto the floor, leaning his head on the wall.

"Light, I didn't mean to put it so suddenly. I do want you back," L said after a sharp intake of breath then said in a soft voice, "This is so complicated."

"I know. Maybe it's best if we're just friends. I'll work on the case with you and everything and I won't try to do anything to make you uncomfortable, okay?" Light supplied after thinking it over a couple times.

L knew he didn't want that. He really, really didn't want that, he wanted to be his lover, not a friend. Even if Light was his first friend. Best friend. He didn't know why he said "Okay. If it makes you happy."

"Okay." Light smiled serenely even though the pain ripping through his heart through off the supposed emotion meant. "Goodbye L."

"Goodbye, Light." Then he helped him up then suddenly swooped in and kissed Light. Light's eyes widened, but soon gave in, knowing that this kiss would end up hurting him.

They pulled back breathless, and Light got up. "Good night L." he said love-struck. L nodded and held the door open for him. Light departed, his lips still tingling with the sugary after-kiss flavor that was L.

* * *

**A/N: Quack-ding-dong-bang. Rawr. This was a hard chapter to write. I got stuck along the lines of the Kira case, and I know Light is being really difficult and over-sensitive and L is so out of character that it's scaring me. -Sigh-. Oh, and I hope you don't mind girly-Mello. I'll get rid of it if you say so. :) **

**This is for all those anonymous readers and reviewers, because I can't thank you enough for even bothering to click on this rathole of a story. **


	6. In The Mind of a Genius

**A/N: Chapter request by Tsukiakari Dono** **for a chapter completely in L's POV. Not sure if I got it right. I really stink at this. -sigh-**

**To Naruchan- I know what you mean about the whole hating-Light thing, it's kind of hard to read for me. As much as I love L, I don't really like when Light is hate just through L, it's kind of judgmental, no? For your Kira question, Light is NOT Kira. Sorry if it's a bummer. :) For the who's Kira question, refer to second A/N.**

**Lol to Fujoshi101's review, who wouldn't? But for my fear that people would ditch my story if I change the rating to M, I'll play it safe with T, but really good idea. :)**

******WARNING! THIS IS THE MOST BORING CHAPTER YOU WILL EVER READ~!**** Pointless filler. Again. Sorry!**

Essence- In the Mind of a Genius

I am smarter than the average human. I understood that at a rather young and delicate age of seven. But that does not mean that I am not a human, which means I have emotions just like everybody else. I'd just rather keep them to myself than letting the world know what I feel. And I know what you're probably thinking, that it's not good to keep your feelings bunched up inside, but honestly, feelings always get in the way. Also, I really never needed them to become the greatest detective in the world. They distract you and curb you away from the view of justice, whether it's being biased or doing it out of revenge.

But in a different light, feelings could be very useful. For example what would be the point of love, if you yourself wasn't able to feel it? It would be meaningless and insignificant. Love is also the greatest weakness of mankind. You do things out of love, whether it's good or bad is a different story, however. You love a painting, you try and steal it. You love a person, it changes your life.

My eyes have seen crimes that are so unlike the person's personality and traits, that one would think they weren't the same person at all. And what's worse, it was done out of love.

Which makes me wonder about Light-kun, is he Kira out of love? Contrary to popular belief, I really don't want Light to be Kira. It would pain my heart to exceeding amounts.

I wonder if Light really was Kira, was he really lying about loving me? I know how great of an actor he really is, able to hide even the most traumatizing part of his life behind a mask, it would be easy for him to hide Kira from me. I frowned, that was somewhat like saying because Near was good at masks, doesn't mean he's suddenly Kira, correct?

Light-kun was a very strange mix of Mello and Near. He had Near's mask and Mello's ability to interact with people. It was very strange if you think about it, Near and Mello are exact opposites, but if you put them together, you get the most functional pair of detectives, greater than me.

My inner-monologue was suddenly interrupted by a tap at the door. I looked at the wall clock and sighed, Watari is right, I really do have no sense of time. It was Light, here to help with the Kira case, as

I got up, tried stretching, but ended up slouching again. I pulled open the door, my half-deranged smile shining a bit. Light was laughing at something Mello said but stopped when he saw me. "Hey, Ryuzaki." I nodded at him, but put my facade of indifference on again, afraid for it to peek through.

"Mello, I thought you weren't helping on the Kira case." I asked facing Mello with an attentive yet bored glance. Mello was refusing to talk to me, something I somewhat understood, though for what reason, I really don't know. After a sharp tap from Matt and a head gesture to me, Mello sighed.

"Hm. We're stalking Light, so if he is, so am I." He said quietly, not really showing that he was talking to me. I nodded, and turned around and as soon as I did, he slapped Matt's shoulder.

"Well, come on in. I have some rather strange documents the police had faxed me." I said, and scrummaged around my desk, feeling eyes on me.

I pulled out the envelope and passed it over to Light, who opened the manilla folder and took out the paper delicately. I stared at his rather bony hands for a moment, as I got comfortable in the chair, then traced my eyes up to his face. He was examining the document, his eyebrows knit together and mumbling something I couldn't quite decipher. Apparently, Near and Mello also noticed it, staring at him funny.

"Light, what are you mumbling?" I asked curiously. He looked up, obviously confused. "What?"

"You were mumbling something." Near said for me. Mello and I nodded. He blinked then recognition flashed in his eyes. "Oh, that. Ever since I was a child when I'm deeply thinking I say the times table up to ninety seven really fast. I guess it's unconscious and weird, but sometimes it does help."

It was a rather cute habit, and I resisted the urge to laugh, and Light-kun must've seen it because he turned pink and avoided my eyes. He hid his face with the paper which I pulled his wrist to lower it. I leaned over and kissed it afterwards, which he responded with an uncomfortable look. Mello raised an eyebrow at that and took a suspicious bite of chocolate.

"I think I got something." Light announced and I looked up. It was a picture of a shrine with the main horizontal shaft in blood the other two shafts just engraved in the ground, in the dirt before a criminal died of a heart attack.

"Yes?" Near asked, also pricking up at the mention of news. "I think Kira is no longer trying to play god, more like doing it for god, if it makes any sense. Think about it, criminals and only criminals are dying from Kira, even something minor like shoplifting, and it's a shinto torii gate. I think the line drawn in blood was a sign that this was meant as a human sacrifice, like what the Aztecs and Mayas did. The other two shafts will be other offerings, yeah?"

Human sacrifices? It made sense, for Kira to do this. So Kira _was_ doing this out of love. "Do you think Kira is a Shinto priest, or something?" Mello asked, unwrapping more of his chocolate thoughtfully.

"No." Light and I said in unison. We both opened out mouths to talk, so Light gestured for me to go first. "I doubt it. I think that if he was a priest, he would have a more thorough understanding of Kami and the ways of Kami, I would think."

Light nodded his agreement, "That, and also it would be too obvious. If he was a priest or a religious authority, don't you think it would just be too... Too obvious for the audience, especially since he doesn't know who L is and whether if he knows him or not."

The three Wammy boys nodded. "Remember that letter about Apples and Shinigami, do you think he's hinting at something?" Near asked.

"I think it was just a diversion to throw off L from the real chase." answered Light.

"Yes, it is doubtful Kira has anything to do with Death Gods and apples." I agreed. I looked over at Light, and cursed myself for doing so. His brown, beautiful eyes were liquid as he tried to make sense of it all, his nose scrunched up adorably. Why was everything that people wanted, was something they couldn't have? Well, that was technically not true. I could've had Light, but I blew it. My heart felt a shallow pang as if it was hit.

I chewed on my thumb, trying to refocus my mind on Kira. Light was right, Kira was doing more than just killing criminals now. My brain was going overdrive, but nothing out of my theories tied in. I sighed quietly, I needed cake. I opened my precious cake-box and delicately cut a chunk out of the delicious-ness that was cake. I wonder what Light tasted like with cake- No, bad thoughts. Bad thoughts.

I jabbed my fork in it rather violently, mind still reeling from frustration all centered around Kira. "Ryuzaki, are you okay?" Light asked, looking over Near's shoulder at me. "Fine, fine." I mumbled.

He raised an eyebrow but stayed quiet.

We stayed quiet for roughly fifteen minutes before Mello broke it. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. "Okay, what the hell happened? Are you guys back together or what!"

Light blinked. "Hm. We're not back together, Mello. We talked things over, and found it better to just be friends, okay?"

"'Just be friends'?" Mello repeated, "You know that never works right?"

Matt snickered quietly, "Mello-dear, you're watching WAY too many chick-flicks, 'Kay? They're getting along, perfectly fine with me."

Mello turned around suddenly to face his so-called-'lover'. "You little punk! I do not watch chick-flicks! Bastard!"

"Hm. Does this not sound familiar," Matt started then started getting teary-eyed and sniffling, "Oh... Sniff... Poor Allie... And Lon... Oh..." Then he put a hand on his forehead dramatically, referring to the time Mello watched 'The Notebook'.

"That was one time! ONE TIME! And seriously, it was so tragic!" Mello sniffed uncharacteristically. Light and I had to cover our laughs with coughs as Mello continued to rant about Allie's parents or something along those lines.

"Mells, That is the chick-flickiest of all chick-flicks in the entire history of chick-flicks." Matt said affectionately, please note my sarcasm.

Mello, obviously wasn't going to take that sitting down. Actually, yes he was. He simply lifted his foot, and kicked him where no man should be kicked. In between the legs. Matt squealed as he collapsed.

"Okay, back to you Light." Mello suddenly turned his attention to Light, who was still laughing, but straightened himself when he saw Mello. Cute, cute, Light.

"I honestly have nothing else to say." Light replied. "So, are you going to be handcuffed again?" Near asked, and Light turned his eyes on me in silent question.

I contemplated the choices. If I said no, there would be about twenty percent of me not catching Kira without Light's help and not get Light all to myself. If I said yes, Light might call his dad on me for child-molesting/rape which wouldn't be good. An angry Soichiro-san would be the last thing I needed. I might be stronger than I look, but even I am no match for a pissed Yagami-san.

I decided that no would be the better choice than a broken face, and a restraining order against me. "No, Light-kun does not need to be handcuffed to me. But of course he would be on high supervision."

Light hummed his approval. "Ryuzaki your phone is vibrating." Light said pointing at the object. I glanced up at Light, briefly nodded at him then picked up my phone.

"Hello, Misa?" I asked, and noticed all three younger boys stiffen as I said that. Mello's fists balled up as he looked down, and Light was awkwardly shifting in his seat.

"Hello, L-my lovely sugarplum fairy prince who I love sooooo much!" Misa squealed so loudly in my ear, that I jerked it away from my face.

"So. Why'd you call?" I asked bluntly, anxious to get back to Ligh- I mean the Kira case.

"What? Can a adorable goth-lolita model slash actress slash cover-girl not call her boyfriend without a reason?" she replied innocently.

"Yes. When that boyfriend is L, the busiest man on earth." I replied, hearing Light and the others start laughing, I turned my swooshy chair to them I silenced them with a 'if-you-don't-shut-the-heck-up-I-will-Bruce-Lee-your-butt' look, making them stop and whistle innocently. I rolled my eyes playfully anyways.

"Oh, L-kun. You think too highly of yourself." Misa chided gently, and I blinked as if I didn't hear her correctly. So instead of telling her off, I decided to be the good boyfriend I am. I agreed with her.

Light glanced at the clock, and choked on his saliva. I raised my eyebrow, and patted his back gently. I just mumbled mm-hmm and uh-huh into the phone where needed. "L, I think I should go now. It's ten thirty and I walked here. We should go."

I nodded, mouthing bye. Matt, Mello and Near got up waving their goodbyes and waited outside the hotel room door. Light got up, stretched and hesitated a bit. He walked toward me, kissed my cheek, and said goodbye. I smiled, hopefully my smile wasn't too deranged. He smiled a tentative one back, and disappeared behind the door.

I hung up without saying goodbye, my heart swelling with happiness. A feeling that was foreign to me, an emotion I haven't felt for more than ten years. I sunk into my chair, a goofy smile on my face thinking about Light and his perfect warm eyes, perfect heart-melting smile and his delicious smell that was just so perfect.

* * *

**Who awwed?**

**A/N: Who's Kira? I'd rather not say but I think you all know anyway, but if you have no idea what I'm talking about and REALLY want to know, I'll give you a hint. Sono Higashi. All I'm going to say, and if you know who it is, please, please, please PLEASE don't say though I know it's more than obvious if you've watched the anime. PM me if you know.**

**I'm loosing my readers :'(. My fortieth and fiftieth reviewer gets to either gets to pick what happens in next chapter, or I'll write them a one-shot on whatever summary they want.**

**What do you think about NearxSayu?**


	7. We should've listened to Mello

**A/N: I've sprained my ankle, so I had to stay in bed, then I got hacked. Do not believe a word the hacker said about me discontinuing this story. I found it ridiculous how they did it just because I put up with their nasty email. I apologize in advance if anything goes wrong. Please don't mind 'me'. So sorry for this slow update! Naruchan is my fortieth reviewer, actually runner up to the very humble Tsukiakari Dono. Any chapter requests/story?**

Essence- We Should've Listened to Mello

As Light lay awake the night after the Kira case, he felt overwhelmed. L had kissed him, told him he wanted him back, yet he was still with Misa. His mind couldn't piece it together. If it really was a scam to get him to confess to being Kira, he wouldn't go through the measure of actually kissing him, would he? And he was such a perfect boyfriend to the blond girl on the phone, and Light just couldn't understand. His heart twitched as a paranoid voice in his head mocked him.

That night, Light didn't sleep. He stayed on the chair by his window staring into the city, with lights flicking on and off as the entire place went to sleep. He noted dryly as the velvet sky dotted with stars, that it was the exact ebony color of L's eyes. Light pressed his cheek against the cool glass as he hasn't done since he was a child.

With L, it wasn't much different. He stared at the case file in his hand as he thought about Misa and Light. He didn't love Misa. Did he love Light? He stayed with Misa because he had to. He had tried multiple times, but it all ended the same. Misa would think he was lying, and it was back to square one. Then he wondered about Light. He thought it was love, but is it really? Light is still going to be the short-tempered prime suspect to Kira, and he was still going to be L. Is loving him or not loving him really going to make a difference. L wasn't going kick Light into execution just because he hated him and he wasn't going to spare him from execution if he did 'love' him. It would go against his sense of justice, which is quite strong. He wish he was as naive and ditzy as Misa, because as they say, ignorance is bliss. If he didn't have to have so much knowledge, maybe he wouldn't be L. And if he wasn't the high and mighty L, able to summon the entire police force across the world, maybe he would've gotten to have a nice, normal relationship with Light, without all this drama.

But then again, he didn't want to have a nice, normal relationship with Light. He wanted to have an exciting, complicated relationship with Light. He was someone who could keep him entertained, a person who he could have an argument with, or a chess game where he actually had to think. That was what he love-I mean liked so much about Light. His unpredictability. How he was so hard to read, and L felt a wave of pride hit him, he was the only person to try and get this far. It would take L's entire lifetime and maybe more to get to know every single thing that was the ultimate puzzle, Light.

The detective sighed, his thoughts were going off track. He should be thinking about and only about the Kira case, but realized he couldn't. It kept wandering back to Light. Without Light, his deductive skills went down by roughly sixty seven percent, but when he was with him, it was only ten. He wanted Light back, but he couldn't. He wanted to rewind time, but he couldn't. He wanted to break up with Misa, but he couldn't.

Life is a jerk, isn't it?

* * *

At the crack of dawn Light was up and ready, showered and his trusty coffee in his hand. He finished cooking his nutritional breakfast of waffles and eggs, while Near sat and watched.

"Light, when did you learn how to cook?" Near asked, looking up and the elder curiously.

"Mmm," he hummed, thinking, "around when I was thirteen, I think."

"Lucky. Because of Mello, all children are banned from going within a hundred feet of a kitchen." Near grumbled.

Light laughs lightly, the bags under his eyes shrinking a bit. "Do you hate him?" he asked seriously.

"I do not hate Mello, at least I don't think so. I feel rivalry for him, nothing more or less. Though I don't know what it'd be like without him teasing me." Near said thoughtfully, twirling his hair with one hand and stacking his lego in another. Light looked at him calculatingly, looking for any lies, but saw none.

He glanced at the clock and saw it was nearing seven. Six fifty nine and fifty seconds. Mello and Matt should be out soon.

10.

9.

8.

7.

6.

5.

4.

3.

2.

1.

As soon as the clock hit seven, the door to the guest room cracked open with a very tired looking and grouchy looking Mello appeared, with Matt playing his PSP obediently by his side.

"Ohhhh. Jeez." Mello moaned as he stretched, thoroughly knocking Matt's head in the process. "Morning, Mello, Matt. Did you sleep well?" Light asked kindly, pouring milk into a glass.

"Don't. Effing. Remind. Me. Matt found it hilarious to keep kicking me out of the bed, the damn dog." Mello growled and plopped his leather clad butt onto the poor chair. Matt either didn't hear him, or just didn't care. He kept clicking away on his game.

"Matt! Don't play video games so early in the morning. It's killing your eyesight." Light reprimanded, sliding a tray of food across the table. Matt grumbled incoherent words to himself, but Light might've heard something along the lines of 'overprotective mom, much?".

The leather obsessed chocoholic suddenly choked and started hyperventilating. "Mello!" snapped Light worriedly.

"I just drank... Milk!" he shrieked as if it was the worst thing in the world.

"So...?" Light asked, still pissed that Mello worried him.

"I don't drink milk, dear Light-o." Mello growled, running to the sink and rinsing his mouth repeatedly.

"No wonder you're so short..." mumbled Light under his breath, making Mello whip around and pull out his gun. The older male blinked and narrowed his eyes, "you wouldn't dare..."

Mello just hurrumphed and sat back down, his bob bobbing as he did so. "Hey, you're short too y'know. What are you, five three?"

"Nooo. I'm five five, thanks. But yeah, I was a midget. I was four foot eleven up until the eighth grade when I finally grew that extra inch." Light admitted sheepishly, sitting down and drinking his fourth cup of extra black coffee.

Mello snickered at that, leaning onto Matt as he did so.

"Now eat, everyone. We have to go to the task force later. We don't have school this week, by the way, when are you going back to England?" Light asked, cutting Near's waffle for him, causing him to pout and say he wasn't a baby.

"That eager to get rid of us, eh..." Mello pointed out jokingly, "Nah, just kiddin'. Not next week, but the week after that."

Light nodded and continued sipping his coffee and waiting for them to finish.

All was well.

* * *

L stared into the screen, heart warming up at the sight of Light and the kid's family-like behavior. He wished he could have that again, when he had the chance before he refused. It was true before most Wammy kids did hero-worship him. He missed being loved.

He missed being able to fight with Light.

He missed having Light has his first friend.

He missed 'sleeping' next to Light. (More like watching him creepily at him while Light slept.)

The detective laid down on the bed, turning his body around to Light's side of the bed, sniffing the pillows. It still had his scent. His beautiful, beautiful scent. And it hurt L's heart as the flood of memories flooded his highly intelligent mind. He sat up, pulled up his knees to his chest, and felt like crying.

But he couldn't. This pain his heart felt that loved and wanted Light back was too great for tears. Some said L was just a shell, no heart, no emotions, just brains. He would've just shrugged and moved along with his life, but he knew it wasn't true. He did care. And when he did, he cared with a burning passion.

Which is one of the reasons why he didn't quit the Kira case. It meant losing Light, never be able to see his face again. He knew it was selfish, but L knew, somewhere deep, deep down that each morning he walked to see Light's face. To hear his voice. To be near him.

Yet he didn't see that he loved him. L was deluding himself at this point. He didn't _want _to love Light, he just _did. _

L stayed on Light's side of the bed, inhaling the scent and reminiscing about the good times he had with Light. He almost fell asleep at the hypnotic, relaxing smell.

"Um. L, you in there?" a nervous voice asked from outside the door. L sat up and pulled his knees to his chest, scooting back to his side of the bed. "Yes, please enter." he called back quietly.

Light walked in, more like tiptoed actually and sat down beside L. Neither looked at each other. "So, what's up?" asked Light casually.

L shrugged, the white fabric wrinkling against the headboard.

"Light... I think I want you back." L muttered, straightening to look at Light, who blinked at the sudden confession. "L, we can't. You think I'm Kira. You could throw me in jail in two seconds."

"Can we just forget about that for a while?" L begged, grabbing Light's hands in his own.

Light swallowed thickly. "I don't think so. That and I don't think I trust you anymore, after the whole cheating thing..."

"Oh, so this is what it's about." L said quietly, letting go. "I think that Light-kun was just overreacting."

"Overreacting?" Light repeated disbelievingly. L nodded. "Light is not yet mature enough to understand that sometimes, things don't go as planned."

The younger's eyebrows rose high above his hairline, and his bottom lip trembled. That's what L thought about him? Just some whiny little kid? "Well sorry, L. Unlike you, I have feelings, you pompous bastard!"

"I do not understand why it is you that is mad at me, Light. After all, it is you're doing to just stay friends. You knew how sensitive you are, and you'd want me back." L said, mock laying under his too-calm voice.

Light's eyes turned watery, a few tears already leaking out. "And I don't even know why I wanted you back, L. You were the one who kissed me! Then you say you want me back. Then you say that I was overreacting, and it's like you don't want me back. Which one is it! I... I... Don't know anymore." Light whispered the last part, and L felt bad right after.

He didn't have a right to play with the poor boy's feelings, so why'd he do it? He wanted him back, so why couldn't he just keep his too-smart mouth closed? L cursed himself.

"I did want you back Light." L muttered, chewing on his thumb. Light got up. "Did? As in past-tense?"

L slowly turned his head. "Yes. I did and I think I still do. I had no right to play with your feelings. I don't think I'm a good match for you, Light-kun. I don't know what my feelings are at the moment. I want to think about it before I do anything rash. You are only seventeen, I am over twenty. Your father wouldn't approve. You're still my prime suspect as Kira. The list goes on and on about reasons on why we shouldn't be together in that way Light. You are my first friend, too precious to lose if we do go our separate ways forever."

"L? Are you bipolar? You just said to forget about all those things. And why can't we not just be L and Kira. Why can't we be Ryuzaki and Light?" the brunette asked sensitively.

"Was that a confession? I have to keep note of this, Light-kun. You're percentage has just been raised.

Light ran to the door. "Screw you L. Screw you."

Then he ran out, leaving L feeling emptier than before, both knowing they messed up. Big time.

* * *

**A/N: CHECK OUT NEW STORY PLEASE! It's called Hair. :) for those who do. I love you all so much. Sorry for delay.**

**Bye-bye.**


	8. Glowing Temptation

**A/N: Hi everyone! I've been busy juggling school (Happy finals everyone!), Essence, This isn't goodbye and studying so that's why I'm a bit late. And my current obsession with Lady Gaga's new album, -cough-**

**Haha Tsukiakari Dono, that's so weird! I wrote chapter four-this chapter to that song! Have you been stalking me? O.o And I watched it, so cute~ LOL , Dr. Phil: L and Light really need to go on that show. Then again, they could just use Watari, his look-alike, ha. And teasing L is fun, -grabs shield because of rabid L fangirls)**

**Naruchan, do you have a chapter request/story request?**

Essence- Glowing Temptation

Mello stared at Light who had just ran out of L's room. He was deadly pale, but he wasn't crying. Mello growled, what did that baggy-eyed jerk do this time? Actually, Mello didn't want to know. It would probably end with someone losing an arm or two. Light trying to run, lost his sense of reality, and collapsed, face set in a dreamlike stare. That got Mello, Matt's and Near's attention. "Light!" they tried calling the older's name but he just sat there, he didn't say anything, just stared. Mello growled, lugging Light up to a couch. He set him down to regain his mind, and dragged Matt to L's room.

He barged in, where he found L sitting on the bed, calm and stoic as ever if you looked at his torso and lower, but his face was twisted in an emotion Mello never saw before. It was hard to put a name on it. It was like guilt, regret, and sadness all rolled up into one. Matt ran his fingers through his pockets, wishing more than anything he had his video games. A different reality. One that held no real pain, no sadness, just boundless freedom and happiness. But he didn't. He never not had his handheld, ever. It was a lifesaver in situations where he really needed to get his mind off things. He twitched and hugged Mello's arm, for security. Mello patted his head, while staring at L.

"Mello." L called, still no tone in his voice. The blond blinked, "L, what the hell did you do?" he asked in the calmest way he could.

L smiled cryptically, "something I shouldn't have." Matt whispered, "L. Light's really upset. It would be better if we knew what was wrong."

The eldest of the three just shrugged. " It doesn't matter anymore. Nothing matters anymore. Light and I will never be together. Light's percentage of Kira is at its peak. Almost eighty percent, now."

Mello put a hand on his holster for comfort, "You're L. You could get Light executed if you snapped your fingers. What do the percentage matter if you can easily get him killed, huh?" he asked, enraged at the complete disregard of how Light was feeling.

"Because I wouldn't be able to see Light die, no matter what... I think I may love Light." L said after a pregnant pause. The insecurity of those six words rand through the air. L? Love someone? Those three words should never be used. What happened to the emotionless L he once knew? Mello stared hard into L's eyes, seeing no untruth, no lies, no concealing, for once in his life.

"You can't think you love someone. It's either you love them or you don't. And what about Misa? Have some regard over other people's emotions, will you?" Mello snapped, still not over the shock of the possibility that L might actually _love _someone.

"Nothing matters to me, nothing but Light." L replied, wondering how he can say that, but not be able to say that he loved him. What was wrong with L's heart?

"I don't think you're in love with him, L." Matt spoke softly, thoughtfully.

"And why not?" the insomniac asked, isn't this what they're like in all those books, movies, and all?

"I just think you're in love, with the idea of being in love, which isn't surprising. You grew up with not knowing who to trust, whom to love. Now that you think you know, you're ignoring everything else." Matt explained, thought ringing through his voice.

L's shoulder's sagged at the cruel truth of those words. He really didn't know a thing about Light, besides the medical records, school records and other documents. Why couldn't he have just kept his mouth shut? He could've had Light, the ultimate prize, and actually knew him.

"You should know better than to hurt the already hurt, L. Do you remember BB?" Mello whispered, and L's throat turned to jelly (or should I say jam). He hadn't thought of him for a long, long time. It was a memory he preferred never to think of again.

BB had went crazy after A, his lover and best friend committed suicide over stress. A had been his original successor, and couldn't take all the drama and stress of being L. BB chased after L, stealing his appearance and killing everyone who got in his way of revenge. He wasn't always like this, again, he did it out of love. L had told him that he shouldn't have ever had an emotional tie with A anyway, which hurt the jam-loving griever more.

Then he disappeared on his and A's three year anniversary, never to be seen again. It still brought shivers to the little children who the bigger youth scared with creepy stories of L, and his many cases.

"L. I think you should chose on either never wanting to have Light romantically again, or buckling down and treating Light right. I can't bear to watch both of you suffer anymore." Matt said, still clinging to his Mello's arm.

After noticing the faraway look in L's eyes, Mello and Matt crept outside, leaving L to think about things and decide.

* * *

Light clenched and unclenched his hands, L said he wanted him back. L said he was overreacting. L said, L said, L said. Light couldn't trust a thing he 'said'. He tried to be strong, he really did, but it ended in L calling him an oversensitive baby. What was that supposed to make him feel? Right now, Light just felt empty, random emotions fluttering through his stomach once in a while.

First, there was anger. Then there was sadness. Then there was regret. And last, there was self-loathing. Near still sat next to him analyzing his every move. Where were Mello and Matt, he wondered.

Speak of the devil and he appears, Mello walked in, Matt in tow, and noticed Light stable again. "Light, we're sorry for you. We should go home now." Mello said, not wanting Light to have a heart attack or something.

Light nodded, standing on shaky feet, wobbling and clutched onto the coffee table. Mello shouted for Watari, who walked in silently. The blond requested a ride back to Light's apartment, as he obviously wasn't going to get there by himself.

Light sat in the back of the rather fancy automobile, head resting against the window as he replayed what L had said. Maybe he was a crybaby. Maybe he was overreacting.

Light bit his lip and counted all of the times he cried and found it true. He _did_ cry a lot. He _did_ overreact. What was wrong with him?

He was acting like a girl.

The seventeen year old hadn't acted like this since he was a child. What was is about L that made him act like that, so different from his regular self? Light didn't know. He wished he hadn't reacted like that; maybe L would love him again. Maybe his parents would love him again, maybe he could be happy.

Matt stared back at Light, wondering how in hell did one get so unlucky. Not only did the poor sap fall in love with L, the most socially retarded person on the face of this world, had a family that hated him, yet being able to hide it behind a smile and naïve eyes. At least if he showed a little of his real emotion, he wouldn't have so much bunched up inside, as cheesy as it was.

Light noticed the stare and let a small and pained smile peek through, both knowing it was very artificial.

"Hey." he said, voice hoarse from crying. He rearranged his hair so it looked a bit more lifelike, unlike the empty, dead feeling he felt on the inside.

Matt said his own 'hey' then turned back around, awkward silence very prominent in the air. Light felt his stomach flip suddenly, then a violent jerk from his heart. Was he dying? Was it Kira? Light's eyes grew larger and larger, before completely closing, his last thought was "L…"

Watari saw from the side mirror, froze the car, quickly checking Light's heart rate. He let a sigh of relief when he felt the faint pounding on the wrist against his palm.

Mello, Matt and Near also broke out in cold sweat for the elder teen they have came to love.

They calmed down one hearing the reassuring tone from Watari, that this wasn't a Kira attack, just a stress induced black out. As much as they didn't believe it, they still were happy Light hadn't left them. They never really thought about it, but both knew he was their closest friend, not to mention only friend outside of Wammy's, the place they've known as their home.

Near chewed his thumb, looking deep into Light's face, coming up with many percentages on what he was feeling right now. The albino child didn't dwell too much on percentages, knowing that Light wouldn't be happy to know that he had no particular emotion while thinking of percentages. So he just settled on being overjoyed that his big-brother-like-figure was just sleeping-ish.

Light however, wasn't feeling very relieved. He saw endless darkness at first, then two faint red lights glowing, coming nearer and nearer towards him, as he desperately tried to pull away from the tantalizing glow. The teen soon realized it was a pair of eyes, scarlet, blood red eyes. It had multiple rings around the pupils an eerie supernatural pull pounding towards Light.

He found himself wanting to be near it, like moths to a flame. The eyes disappeared, and the boy panicked, wanting the only light back. It reappeared soon, then the sound of heartbeats filled the space. "You are mine, Yagami Light." Then it disappeared completely, until a flash of L, or at least Light thought it was L, came and left, leaving him completely surrounded by darkness.

He missed those scarlet eyes, it was a mystery, and Light liked, no loved mysteries.

Light saw only black as he wandered around what seemed like dream land, only thinking about those tempting red eyes. Why did he see L's face, though? Was this a clue? Was this Kira after all? Many questions raced through the prodigy's head. This had to be a sign, what other explanation did this have? For one thing he was sure. He wanted to know whose eyes those were. Those hauntingly beautiful eyes.

* * *

A silhouette of a man shone against the dark room; moonlight pouring through the open window. A strange 'hyuk hyuk' laugh left a tall, thin demon like creature as he watched the silhouette write into his notebook, knowing that this could not end well for him. He took a satisfying crunch out of his beloved blood red apple. The dark figure smiled creepily, pearly white teeth shining through the barely lit room, as he watched multiple criminals die on his widescreen television.

This was all for you, Kami-sama, all for you. He laughed maniacally, clutching his notebook harder against his tuxedo clad chest.

One day, his Kami would reward him, making this goose chase for the evil being known as L worth it. And that's the best gift as well, being known to his beautiful master.

The figure snickered, thinking of all those who claimed him evil, no, claiming _Kami_ evil. His righteous judgment will rule out those with an iron fist, his just god will punish those evil demons who dared defy him.

"Oh, Ryuk, Kami is coming. I can feel it." He said blissfully, to be reunited with the light of his world again would make him very, very happy.

The 'Ryuk' just snickered to himself, not saying anything to agree or contradict him. Of course, the killer didn't need any assurance of any sort, his sense of justice and love already engraved on his heart, soul and mind. He laid back down on his large bed, seeing the faceless angel that was his Kami-sama reach for him. He would be with him soon, he knew it, and he'd bring the entire world that had pure hearts as offering, the greatest offering of all.

**A/N 2: Hi guys! I'm back after that slight Hiatus, you sons of a b—Business man. –cough- If any of you are having a bad day, I suggest you watch the funniest video known to man. Search 'Death Note This is Sparta- you already know this is going to be weird. Ha. As usual, leave a review, and Peace, Love and of course Sushi to you all! **


	9. Puppy Love

**A/N: Hey! Sorry for the month long delay, I wrote this on the airplane to Japan, so I was pretty sleepy, didn't bother spellchecking, yeah. I'm in Japan now! So I won't update for a while cause the wifi sucks around where I am. Amazing I even got this uploaded.**

**Oh, and this will not and never will be BBxLight, or BBxL. Ew. Just ew. Haha, but seriously. **

**It's pretty boring, this chapter. But something does happen that will break your heart, you creepy BB lovers, you.**

Essence- Puppy Love

Damn it, Matt was not a dog. He was just in love. Just, in love. So what if he followed Mello around everywhere or he'd gotten into many brushes with death because of it? And Mello loved him too, so it was all good, right? And so what if Mello wasn't exactly the perfect boyfriend toward him? They were in love, and that's all that mattered.

Right? It's not like Matt cared that Mello didn't really treat him right. Yeah, Matt didn't care if Mello never talked to him again, as long as they were in love.

Love, love, love. Matt's current favorite word. Mello never did say he loved him, but Matt knew he did. Just by the way he looked at the gamer. I mean, they've been the closest of friends since they were three, they have gotten to know each other pretty well.

The redhead looked over at Mello, who was currently making funny faces using his hands on the unconscious Light. "Mello is so awesome, Mello is so awesome." he melded Light's lips to say it in an overly fake voice. Matt smiled a little at the blond's actions.

Most people would think of the Mafia leader as some sort of puppy kicking, trigger-happy jerk-face. But he was quite nice, well, that is if you keep on his good side. (Which most of the time was virtually impossible.) And that's the main problem in their 'relationship'. The redhead would unconsciously do

But Matt didn't mind too much, because in the end of the day, they'd be fine again. No matter how much they fought, they'd be back together and happy. Only to do it all over again.

The gamer pulled on his goggles, trying to find something real in Mello. It's so hard to know what the blond wanted most of the time, he wished his goggles came with a mind-reading add on.

"Hey, Mells?" he called quietly, not really knowing what he was going to ask.

Mello looked up from doing the pig nose to Light, finger still on the front of Light's nose. "Yo, Matt. What's up?" he asked, Matt opened his mouth to say 'I love you' but nothing came out. He wanted to say it, he really did, but why couldn't he? "I- I- Do you want me to get you chocolate?" he asked finally. Of course, playing safe with chocolate always worked with Mello.

Said blond's stunning blue eyes completely perked up at the sound of his favorite fattening food. "Yeah, do that!" he grinned and Matt. This was so an 'I need chocolate' moment.

Matt nodded, sulking off into the shadows, searching for the key to Mello's heart-chocolate. He was acting like a dog, a freaking puppy. Fetching stuff, being a good little canine man's best friend. He sniffed. He was sure he loved Mello, why was it so hard to say I love you? It was only three words? Why does his throat close up whenever he tries? And he was sure Mello loved him as well, so why won't he say it first?

It was all so confusing.

When the scarlet headed boy went back into the hospital room, Mello was there, speaking to Watari. Matt threw the chocolate into the choco-holic's lap and sat down on the foot of Light's bed. "So, how's Light?" asks Matt, pulling out a PSP from who-knows-where. Watari answered with, "He's fine. Should be waking up soon."

Matt nodded, clicking away, desperately trying to lure his mind away from the blond headed flapper man-girl. "'Kay, he needs to get up soon. I miss pissing him off." Mello sniffed, pinching Light's cheeks, leaning over Matt, so his upper half was practically in his lap. Matt blushed the color o f his hair, face suddenly right next to Mello's.

It was, as cheesy as it sounded in slow motion. And then Mello was back in his seat.

Matt let out a slow, long breath. He needed a smoke just about now. Suddenly, Watari's phone rang. It was L, and something was seriously wrong.

"Sayu's missing!"

* * *

Light's eyes were foggy when he woke up, three hours later. The first person he saw was his mother, crying next to him. "Mom..." he croaked, voice a bit muddled up, even to himself.

"Light! I'm so sorry I didn't get here sooner, I was so busy and and..." she stopped before bursting into tears next to him. "Mom? What happened?" he asked, never seeing his mother so distraught. "I- I- went to the grocery store, and and when I got back, Sayu wasn't there! There was blood, and and..."

"Sayu's been kidnapped!" he shrieked, stunned beyond belief. His mother was flat out bawling now. "Yeah! What if it's Kira? She could be dead by now! Or even worse!"

"It'll be okay, mom." he tried reassuring his mother, but honestly, he wasn't so sure himself.

He jumps to his feet. "I have to find L. He's here right?" he asked, wondering if his mom knew. She nodded, tears still running down her face. He's with your father. He's been trying to come to you, but your father won't let him."

"Okay, mom. Don't worry too much." and with that he ran to L's study, pulled open his door and saw L, with no sign of his dad. "L... I..." his throat constricted, nothing coming out.

"Light!" L jumped to his feet, rushing over. "I'm very sorry. Are you alright?" he asked, searching Light's body for any other injuries. Light shook his head. "Do we have any leads to where my sister could be?" he asked, panic-stricken.

"Yes. But it won't get us far. Right before the murder, on the ground with the blood, there was the number thirteen left on a piece of paper." L said, pointing to a stack of papers on the coffee table. He sat down and Light joined him, looking at the pictures of different angles of the piece of evidence. "L... You don't think it was... Kira do you?" Light asked, insecurity lacing his words. At the name Kira, he looked up at L.

L looked hesitantly at Light, "There's a percentage, yes." he said, not wanting to hurt the boy.

"How big is it?" he asked frantically, holding on to L's shirt. "ninety percent, Light." the detective said quietly, holding Light's hand softly.

"What-What is she died already?" he cried. "She can't be. Light, think rationally for a minute. Why would Kira just kidnap her just to kill her. We know he could kill from a afar."

"R-Right. I'm just overreacting. Just. Over. Reacting." he breathed in and out, loosening the hold on L's sleeve. "Right. Now what do you think of the evidence?"

"Are you sure it's a thirteen, L?" he asked, thoroughly calmed down. L shrugs, "There could be more to it, I think."

"I think it looks like a B, as well. B, does it ring a bell?" Light asked, and L froze. BB, That would make perfect sense. No, No, No. L screamed, suddenly a headache hit his head. Memories came flooding in. Dead bodies, a sinister smile, jam stained fingers...

"L! Are you okay?" Light cries shaking L roughly. L shook his head, paling to the point of a freshly-fallen snow complexion. "What's wrong?" Light asked, panicked.

"He's back!" L said, amazingly monotone after that scream. "Who?"

"BB. My look-alike. Red eyes." L said. Light got struck in the head. The dream. Was that... BB? "L... I dreamed about BB. I think, I think he's after us." he whispered clutching L, the only source of comfort.

It was strange how close one becomes at a time of panic. "Oh, no. I'm sorry for dragging you into this." L apologized, stroking his hair. Light started crying again, burying his face into L's shoulder. "It's okay. We'll find them. It's okay." L rocked Light back and forth like a rocking chair. Soon, Light's sniffling turned into hiccups. "L. I-I want to sleep. My head. I feel, so weird..." he slurred, mind in a haze. He felt possessed.

"_Kill him..." _a voice whispered, before he collapsed against L. L's eyes widened, pulled Light's face back to look at him. Completely out. L worked in a fury, checking his pulse, checking for fever, nothing. Then what was wrong with Light? Why does he black out so much. Desperate questions ran through his head. He ended up just holding Light. It would drag out, if it didn't after an hour, he'd take him to a hospital.

L looked through this case's files, the Kira case files, even the LABB case files. "B, thirteen. B, thirteen." L whispered, why was that so familiar?

He looked closer at the blurry picture, and saw something that shocked him. It was his name, L, written in the middle of B. B, thirteen, L. B, thirteen, L.

So familiar. It was on the tip of his tongue. His mind was going crazy. B, thirteen, L.

Light opened his eyes, and L let out a sigh of relief. "Light, I've got more news," L started, the pointed to the picture of L, "here's my name. It's familiar. B, thirteen, L."

"L? Isn't that 50 in roman numerals?" Light asked rubbing his eyes, the "Kill him..." still ringing through his ears like church bells. "Yes..."

"Wait... B. Thirteen. L." L paused, a flash of B crossed his mind, but it was a younger version of BB.

"L, you don't think he means. Be thirteen, L, do you?" Light asked, excited at the clues and the puzzles fitting together.

"That's exactly what I think. He wants me to be reminded of something that happened, years ago." L said, agreeing with the child prodigy.

"What happened?" he asked, shyly.

"It was when my orphanage was just open. BB was to be my successor after A died, who was my original successor, also B's lover. He was only thirteen, and I was not being sympathetic toward him. I had no understanding of the pain he was in. I refused him as my successor, and he was telling me to go back to the time I was thirteen. How I felt. I think he wants revenge for A." L finished, eyes haunted, face straight.

"L, I..." But Light hat nothing to say. He just processed the words. "Woah! L! 50 thirteenth street is the car improvement warehouse. Does he want you to meet you there?" he asked, thoughts flickering to the old run-down tune-up shop.

L's eyes widened, "A very high chance, Light-kun."

Very high chance, indeed.

* * *

BB smirked, licking his fingers as the taste of jam exploded his palette. He looked over at the bound sister of Light, giving them two days to find and save the poor, poor girl.

He traced the slacked jaw of the girl, noticing the features that mimicked Light's own. "Oh, stupid, stupid Lawlipop. If only you listened to me..." he trailed off, before laughing maniacally.

His red demon-eyes shown under the window's light. "L, I'll kill each and every one that you hold dear to your heart, just like you did to me." he whispered, pulling his legs to his chest like L as he sat down on the hood of a car. He watched Sayu's every move. The way she breathed, how her hands twitched.

It was strange how breathing was something you look over because you did it every singe second of every day. But if you were to hold someone's breath, their life would end.

BB yearned to reach out and do just that.

But he couldn't, not yet anyways.

So he moved to more pleasant thoughts, of his precious A. It had taken him so long to make A love him, to let A give his heart to him. So hard. Only for him to comitt suicide. Quite selfish of him... But it was love, and all that crap.

It's so hard to find someone who'll give you their heart. So I just cut them out and take them whenever I want, that way everyday is like Valentine's Day.", BB laughs crazily, smashing the jam glass onto the car, shattering it.

* * *

**A/N: REALLY SHORT CHAPTER. SO SORRY. It was pretty boring, yeah? And BB is a bit too cliche, do you think?**


	10. Is Beauty Worth It?

**A/N: I'm alive, surprise…? I am so sorry; my life has been ridiculously hectic. Thanks so much to those who didn't forget this messy story! :) I'm not even going to tell you what happened, no one probably cares, lol. **

Essence- Is Beauty Worth It?

For a flick of a second, BB was happy. He was happy watching Sayu fighting the bounds and crying. Happy that L was finally caring about what he did or didn't do.

It filled him with a sick sense of pride, that he could affect L as much as he did affect him.

'Oh, A. Forgive me for loving another,' BB smiled, licking the glistening knife thoughtfully.

Sayu looked at him, tears streaming faster and faster until they just stopped. She realized it was futile crying and fighting, it was over for her.

BB cocked his head to the side, his stained white shirt slipping off one shoulder, the picture of eerie innocence. "Oh, what is this? Has Princess stopped crying?" he asked, mocking her.

Sayu just looked away. 'Mom, Dad, Light, I'll miss you.' She hoped he'd just stop, leave her alone. But, of course, this was BB and tears were his joy.

Like a lion stalking his prey, he approached her and licked her cheek. She shuddered in disgust. His saliva sticky with jam and left a trail of wetness that left her feeling dirtier than the ground she lay on.

BB just laughs, stroking the trail of saliva. "It's okay, little one. If your darling brother doesn't come for you, I'll take it all away. All away, just like L did to me." He laughed, taking the knife and making the motion of stabbing her neck.

Sayu flinched, paling. The knife stopped half a millimeter and retreated back to his side.

In that second, time slowed down. Sayu used to see a trouble boy that never grew up, but then she saw a monster. A pure, nightmare from the scariest movie she saw as a kid. This creature was no man; he was a monster from her worst nightmares.

"Monster…" She whispered, voice scratchy from screaming and crying.

He whipped around, eyes crazed again. He starts laughing. Louder and louder until all she could hear was the ringing of his hysterical 'laughter', if you could even call it that. It was more like crying, wails of self-denial.

"I am no monster. Monsters don't exist. They don't exist! I am human! Human!" he yelled, and she realized she hit a nerve.

Licking her lips, she daringly spoke out. "No, you're a monster. You probably were the one that killed A!" she said, throwing her head back and 'laughing'. She hoped that it didn't sound like a pathetic cry like she thought it did.

The jam-obsessed man blinked. Then blinked again. And then "No, No. No. NO!" He cried, clutching his head as the volume of his cries loudened.

"A loved me! Loved me!" He yells at her. Sayu didn't even know who A was. She had heard him babbling to himself about it. How A and him were to be married and what he'd do for their anniversary, or plans on A's funeral, or chopping down the tree he hanged on and so on.

"Then why is she dead?" Sayu questioned, quirking and eyebrow. She was ready to die, because in those eyes that gleamed war and hatred, she saw a bull, ready to charge.

"She isn't dead! She'll live forever! FOREVER! She's waiting for me at home! With dinner and strawberry jam!" He yelled, and for a second, Sayu really thought that BB believed the words he screamed.

She chose not to say anything, just closing her eyes. How she wished to be a young child again.

Naïve, unknowing is how she wanted to live forever. No pain, no suffering. The only thing to cry about is a skinned knee, no broken hearts and no tears.

Back in her mother's arms where was she wanted to be the most. Now she regretted every treating her with disrespect, because if she was to die, she'd never been able to apologize.

She had a small, miniscule urge to cry, but no tears came out. They never came out anymore.

BB was clutching his head again, muttering to himself that A still loved him. Sayu watched pitifully.

Would she go crazy if the love of her life left her?

' I want to see beautiful things. Beautiful things that I will never forget before I die.' She thought, then she closes her eyes and all there was blackness.

The same blackness of BB's hair, dark, vast and rough was what she saw.

* * *

A mother's tears are probably the most pitiful, because their love is so unconditional.

A real mother would love you no matter what, no matter if you were crazy, different, or just a bad person.

The Yagami mom sat there in a chair at her husband's office. Hiccupping softly, no tears able to come out anymore.

She was so distraught, no idea what to do. If she let Light go she might lose him too, but if he didn't she'll never get Sayu back.

'Oi, Kami, help me.' She says, and then goes back to sulking.

* * *

Inside the HQ, Light and L were busy. Light was jotting coordinates and deciding from which direction would be safest to charge from. There were four main door, and 3 windows to go from.

L was deciding who should go with them and the specific details.

"Um, L?" Light called from the right of the panda-eyed insomniac.

"Yes? What is it?" L asked, eyes never leaving the diagrams.

"I think it might be a good idea to go in through the west entrance because all other entrances have a higher risk of being defenseless." Light said, showing his messily drawn picture. L noticed his hand was shaking.

They discussed it, and Light acted calm, but just below the surface he was ready to cry. Sayu could be dead and it was all his fault.

And so the plan was to executed immediately. Light, L, Matsuda, Mello, Matt, Near and 4 other officers from a different HQ were to storm in to retrieve Sayu and capture BB.

And it went perfectly, so far. The car ride was an awkward one. Light was biting his lip, containing tears to himself. L was being as nonchalant as usual. Mello and Matt were somber, just watching the windows. Or rather, Matt was playing a video game without Mello knowing.

Matsuda was being quiet (for once) and just twiddling his phone, checking his messages every second, even though he knows no new text messages arrived.

The ride was like a march to a funeral, sad, nerve wrecking, and fearful.

No one knew whether they would live or die after this. The distrust was evidence through the air, a thick grey smoke of sadness.

L stared at Light, eyes widening at the beautifulness of it all. Of course, that was sappy. L was like a child looking up to an idol, of course, there were no real 'looking ups', being the height that Light was.

On any other person, the detective would have scoffed at the height. He thought it showed the person had weakness, and easy to bully, but on Light, it was rather adorable.

Light stared back at him, and then turns away, red. "God, L! Stop staring at me you old weirdo!" He snapped half-heartedly, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

He just wanted his sister back, then take a loooonggg, lonnnnnggg, lonnnngg nap.

The kind where you wake up and remember nothing of your day before your head hits the pillow. ' Ah, that would definitely be nice.' Light thinks. Leaning his head on the car.

Ten minutes later, they pulled up to an alleyway behind the shop. L was the first to get off, (Mello kicked his slouching butt out) and then the rest of the people filed out, a somber march.

They laid low, ducking behind windows, crawling over gutter pipes, generally going Mission Impossible on the whole situation.

Matt wouldn't be surprised if the cheesy music started playing right that second while Ryuzaki did super-ninja-awesome-spy moves with dark sunglasses on.

Matt almost laughed at even the bare thought. Yes, Matt- having the crudest sense of humor at the awkwardest/unfitting times. Mello blinked at him, shooting a dirty look. "Don't you dare get us found out, I'll shoot your ass in heaven." He whispers, rubbing the leather of his pants.

"Like you'd get to heaven" Matt sniggered, breathy and soft, in recognition of Mello's Devilish –Ness. If looks could kill, Matt would be on the floor with a knife in his eye.

The other officers had already begun dismantling the lock. Light and L awkwardly stood there, Light fiddling his bulletproof vest as L watched the nimble fingers dance across the thick fabric.

And then a soft click broke the silence, along with the drips of sweat from the officer.

They just watched the door before they carefully pushed it open. The first thing they saw was darkness. Then suddenly lights flicked on all down the warehouse.

'Crap! Motion sensor lights!' L snapped in his head, freezing. For once, his back was straight with upcoming fear.

Light just stood there, hand still on the cool metal of the wall.

The door snapped closed behind them and a cool metallic breeze crept on them, their neck hairs jumping up in cold shivers.

Then suddenly, through the loudspeakers came a booming drawl. "Hello L. Light. Company." BB grinned behind the microphone. 'This was too easy,' the phycomaniac thought in his barmy little head of his.

They all looked around wildly, trying to find the source of the voice. Finally, Matsuda pointed out a rather large boom box on the wall.

They all ran to dismantle it, or at least hack the control system to find the router. BB tsked into the microphone.

"Not so fast, little ones. I say we play a little game. Say- Hide and seek? Try and find me! And if you don't- well, let's just say this cutie wouldn't be too happy." BB grinned maliciously, grabbing Sayu's jaw just for the fun of scaring the poor high school girl.

Light and L locked eyes, tension high in the air. Light looked ready to kill.

"I'll give you 20 minutes. If you don't find me, it's fair game, and I can kill you all. See you." BB laughs, and the boom box stopped yelling BB's cruel words.

Then, they ran. At first, it was just an empty room, then they saw four doors. With a familiar stick red substance awkward looking letters stood on the door. Mello, who has been strangely quiet this entire time, went for the knob for door 'M'. I wonder why?

L immediately stopped him. "We don't want to just pick randomly. I would like to know which of these contain things that could possibly harm me first, wouldn't you?" His large panda eyes looked pointedly at Mello's cool blue.

"Whatever." Mello muttered, refusing to look L in the eye anymore.

"Um, I think room A might be a good choice?" It meant to sound like a statement, but came out as a question from Matsuda's shy mouth.

"Yeah, I mean wasn't A is like obsession?" Matt asked, itching for a smoke.

L shrugged. "Possibly," he said pensively. "Why don't we just shoot all the doors down? We have the equipment." Someone muttered.

The insomniac detective shot his gaze at them, as if this was an amazing revelation. "But what if somehow the bullets trigger a motion controlled action?"

Light's eyes flickered over than back at the doors. "But wouldn't that happen if it was motion sensory if we opened it manually anyways?" he questioned. L couldn't tell if it was rhetorical or not.

L hesitated. "Shoot it down, then." He said, motioning his head to the officers with guns.

A large 'BANG' noise and the door opened. It was a white ceilinged room with mirrors all around.

Sayu was tied on a chair, with her back turned towards them. Her mouth was duct taped.

Light ran in, unable to control himself and ripped off Sayu's bondages, , and a strong alarm sounded. BB opened the door and stepped in.

"Oh, hello. I see you found your sister." BB drawled with a hint of craziness.

Light watched him, his hand firmly on Sayu's shoulder. She had tensed.

Sayu had stood up just before he came in and was now regretting it. L, Matt, Mello and the rest of the team was still in the doorway, frozen.

"So I should let you go, shouldn't I?" the crazed man mused to himself.

They all stared at him, analyzing every little thing he did. Every little breath he took.

"First, I'll show you the pain I had to feel. The tears I had to cry!" He yelled, and suddenly, a BANG rung through the room and shackles emerged from the ground, tying Matsuda, Near and one of the officers, the three people blocking the doorway. A brick of steel came crashing down behind them, hiding the rest of the team behind it. They banged and fired but it was futile, the steel was to thick.

L stared at BB, unconsciously moving back, in front of Matsuda.

BB smirked at them. "Well. Can't say I planned that correctly. Oh well."

Light stared at him, slowly backing up into the wall, right next to L. They subconsciously held hands, before Light turned red and immediately pulled away, stepping awkwardly to the side.

It all happened so fast, it was hard to say it even happened. BB threw a dagger in the general direction of Near.

Sayu jumped in front of it and it skimmed her eyes and pierced into her arm. All she could see was black.

Light immediately lunged for BB, tears flowing freely out his eyes. L caught Sayu as she collapsed. Her eyes were closed and blood flowed graciously out.

The object of L's affection grabbed the jam-addict by the collar and BB started to laugh. "What are you going to do, little boy?"

Light smirked, tears falling into his face. He said "This is for Sayu, bastard," and kneed him harshly in the crotch. His eyes bulged and he grabbed his stomach and collapsed.

L silently passed Sayu to Light, who gingerly touched her wound. L attached a pair of handcuffs to the madman and threw him to the floor.

Near was still, eyes bulging. L freed them using the button on the wall.

The albino guinea pig immediately lunged for Sayu, his eyes shining, almost crying but not quite. Statistics and charts ran through his mind of the possibilities of Sayu's health. She was probably blind.

He touched her hand, draped carefully over her heart. She opened her eyes and blood flowed down as tears. "I… Can't see well." She says, eyes glassy and white.

"Thank you." Near whispered. He just clutched at her hand, unsure of what to do.

"I want you to see beautiful things in your life. I know I did... If I lose my vision, I'm happy the last thing I got to see was you…" Sayu said brokenly, unseeing eyes staring into Near's. Then her eyes closed, a content smile gracing her features.

**A/N: I'm losing my touch and I know it… It was sooo hard to write this! I hope you guys don't hate this story tooo much, because my blood and sweat and TEARS went into it, haha. I hope you have a good day, and until next time: Byeee!**


	11. Ignorance Is Bliss

**A/N: Well this is awkward.. Been a while right? Ha. Ha. Hahaa yea I'll see you down below…**

Essence- Ignorance is Bliss

**~Near's Point of View~**

Grey walls. Grey curtains. Grey ceilings. Grey emotion. The blandness of the entire thing was annoying.

He sat and waited, just as L and Light and Mello and Matt and whoever else told him to. Waiting was something he was used to by now, or so he thought. He waited for his mom to come home, but she never did. He waited for someone to notice him. Contrary to popular belief, he wanted to be acknowledged but not to take time out of someone's day. He didn't feel worth it sometimes.

But then he met Sayu, crazy and bright against the dull static of his life. Well, not that being a successor to the best detective in the world is boring, but it was obvious to him something was missing. Something big. And that, he guesses is what Ryuzaki found in Light. Or what Matt found in Mello.

Sayu was still bright even in the grey hospital bed. She was still bright even when her complexion was as sallow as Ryuzaki's. She was still bright even when there were white bandages covering her eyes. She is still bright even when when Near is dull.

So he crawls up from the floor, catching the eye of Mello, the only other person in the room. The rest when to get food and Mello (of course with a grumble) had to stay and babysit Near. Not that Near needed babysitting of course.

"You okay right?" Mello asked with just enough twinge in his voice to let Near know he cared.

Near cocked his head to the side, gently traced the outline of Sayu's brow with one tiny finger and pondered if he _was _okay. He didn't feel much different, he didn't cough or have stomach aches, like that one time he got sick. He was okay, at least his body was. So he tells Mello.

"Yes. I don't feel sick." He said, rolling around with a sigh coming up his heart. It felt like his genius was now a burden. He notices everything. He sees and hears Sayu's hard breathing. He sees her pale, bruised complexion. He knows there's a chance that _she _ won't be okay. He'd rather be like Sayu's mother, a blissfully unaware housewife relying on faith and trust to _know _she will be fine. But he's not. He's not fine he realizes.

Mello scowled in front of him, the leather squishing against a chair as he plopped down. "No, stupid. As in are you okay, here," Mello asks, then presses his own palm into his heart, his cheeks staining a dark red. If Matt was here, Near knew for sure there would be scowls and banter and teasing between the two. It feels good to know someone cares for you enough to put down their defenses like that.

Deciding to not be mean, that was Matt's job, he brought a thumb to his lips.

"Well, there's times it feels as though I can't breathe. I can't think and it's," Near paused, contemplated for a moment, "strage. It feels like all that matters right now is her. And that she gets better. I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW." Near's voice breaks at the end as a couple pent up tears fall down and he clutches his head like it was breaking.

When you know everything about anything or anyone yet nothing about yourself and feelings, and how to feel, it's difficult to say the least. It's hard.

Mello's gaze softened for a millisecond. "I get it. I get it. I get it. You're gunna be okay. I promise. I promise " Mello said. And that was that. A wash of silence follows through.

Near's breathing was still erratic. It was his fault. It was always his fault. If he didn't just take it instead of her, this wouldn't have happened. He didn't cry. Not anymore.

After the feeling of depression washes past him, there was nothing. Only emptiness.

Mello and Matt. It was always Mello AND Matt. They were always together. No matter where at the orphanage or in the streets or wherever. They were always a pair, never one without the other.

* * *

It's a blessing and a curse, to Matt anyways. Matt is the type of lazyass dude who lives life to the fullest by playing video games. That's just how he is. Then Mello comes in, fully ready to go on an adventure, even at age 6. He was always a feisty one. And Matt was always a pushover. So that's how they're friendship started. Those years ago at the orphanage.

It was a sunny day in the orphanage. Ugh, I know. Matt was inside, as usual watching the current episode of whatever-the-fudge on TV. He looks outside and sees the new kid. Well, he's been there 3 years ago but he's still the new kid to Matt because they didn't really talk, not really. He's said maybe two words to him.

The new kid, Mellon, or Melanie or whatever it is is digging through a big backpack maybe twice his size. He scowls, thinking it was stupid to actually want to go outside.

Whatever. He turns back to his TV and suddenly has a faceful of blond hair. "You. Did you take Winky?" He demands, completely serious.

"No, now leave me alone." Matt whines, face turning bright red under the intense glare of Mello.

"I know you did." Mello says so matter of factly it was annoying. "I didn't!" He insists.

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

They glare at each other and just start laughing. Laughing like a bunch of crazies.

"Come outside with me." Mello says, then picks up Matt's hand and drags. Hard. Matt's still blushing. They're still holding hands even after they've gotten to the huge bag.

Matt tries to yank his hand away and Mello just holds it harder, squeezing gently. Matt's not a girl and neither is Mello. He stares down at the ground avoiding the giggles and eyes of the other inhabitants of the orphanage. "Let's go on an adventure Matt!" Mello said suddenly, eyes bright with joy and mirth. Matt can't say no.

As they climb through the jungle gym and tumbling through the grass, they never part their hands. He realizes he doesn't quite mind the outdoors. Actually, no he freaking hates it, but Mello makes it worth it, to see the toothy grin and smirk.

They're sitting on the swings sipping orange juice later. Their hands are still linked, even with a generous coat of mud and dirt and god-knows-what. "Thanks, dude. You're the first one to ever want to go on an adventure with me." Mello says softly, gazing first into Matt's eyes then off into the sunset, a soft smile appearing on his face so unlike to smirk Matt's become used to.

He likes it so much he doesn't have the heart to tell Mello no, he didn't want to come. So he smiles and says "No problem, we should do it again."

The smile that wraps around Mello's lips is brilliant. He takes a mental picture and files away under "the most beautiful things in the world." Right next to orange popsicles, and that one spicy chip he found that he swore looked exactly like Jesus.

"Yeah." Was all that was needed to be said. They swung softly and watched the sun go down. The perfect ending to a perfect day, he thinks.

It's that moment that Matt thinks he never wants to let go. When everything was innocent and no one knew what heartbreak and emptiness was.

* * *

Home is where the heart is. Light knew that. Of course he did. Up until a couple months ago, home was L. It was and always has been.

Not anymore, though. What was once a wave of happiness and belonging was replaced by sadness and regret. He knew whatever he had with L, was gone. Or rather _is _gone. Because there was no going back.

L had tried on multiple occasions to apologize, but Light wouldn't hear it. Not really. Not when Light knows that he was just a pawn to L this entire time. That there was no _them _not ever. Not then, not now.

He was his father's boss. That's it.

If only it was that simple though. No feelings attached. No history. Unfortunately, life's not like that. It'll never be like that.

He is jealous of Matt and Mello sometimes, they're happy. It seems everyone around him was happy. Besides him that is.

But they deserved it. They all deserved it. He hears someone come into the room. He was in the hospital room waiting for his sister to wake up.

It was L, he realizes. "Light-kun." He calls. Light doesn't want to turn around and answer, not really. He thought he was fine, before, but not really.

He grinds his teeth. He refuses to answer. "Light-kun." L calls again. Light sighs, he doesn't want to give in, but he get's tired of it real fast. "What." He snaps, meaner than he means.

L is taken back, Light could tell. "I'm sorry, I'm just stressed." Light says, rubbing his eyes.

Ryuzaki doesn't say anything. He looks at Light for a long while, then turns away. "How are you doing, Light?" He asks, his voice giving off the impression that he really doesn't give a shit.

"Fine," Light plays along, knowing this was all just a game to L. Hell, he could hear the gears churning in L's head. He knew someway, somehow this was going to affect his Kira percentage or whatever.

L nods, one really quick bob of the head Light almost misses. "I see." He says, and then it's quiet. It's awkward. It's painful. Light feels all the hurt, all the pain and suffering leave his body and enter the air. He feels it and it's suffocating.

"Why'd you do it?" Light suddenly bursts, emotions in his voice that make sure L knows exactly what he meant.

There's a pregnant silence again. "You know how I felt about you. You played me. Like a damn fool. And I still stayed. I didn't. You.. I can't." And Light covers his face.

His eyes are tingling and burning dangerously. He wasn't going to cry. Not ever again.

L is almost speechless. "I don't know." He said. But he knew why. "I told myself it was because you didn't mean anything to me. I told myself you didn't matter. I was just using you-" He starts.

"Stop. Just stop." Light whispers brokenly. This was the man the meant the world to him at one point.

"No, let me finish. I pretended you didn't matter. But you did. A lot. I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was like I was diseased. And then Misa was there, convenient and easy. I convinced myself she meant more to me and you were nothing. It was the complete opposite." L says, and Light looks up for traces of lies. He saw nothing but honesty in his eyes.

"L. I-I didn't know." Light says, any traces of tears already gone.

"I know, and I deeply regret that. I never felt toward someone the way I felt toward you." L responds, playing with the hem of his ever-present white shirt.

And that's the truth. It really is. L is socially awkward. Light doesn't doubt he was his first relationship.

"I'm sorry, Light." L says and this is one of the only times Light hears emotion in his voice.

"I know you are, L. It still hurt though. It felt like I was going to die, that's how much it hurt. I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe, hell, I didn't even want to do any of that stuff anyway." Light huffs, and L's heart drops in his chest. "I know Light, I'm really sorry for that. I didn't understand what I was feeling and you got the bad end of the stick."

Light snorts. "Understatement. But I get it now. I really do." His heart is aching and he feels better. He really does.

"Are we going to be okay?" L asks, and Light doesn't know. At least, his brain doesn't.

But his heart does. And Light never did give his heart enough credit.

**A/N: Umm –hides- It's not my fault! It's only been like a yearrrrr. Haaahaaa. Funny story. Actually, you guys probably aren't even reading this. But heres what happened. I left on travel for 3 months. And then I went through a bad breakup and then someone in my family passed away and it was just bad… Yeah. But I'm back and here to stay. Hopefully I'll make it to 100 Reviews! Yeah thanks for sticking with me, I really appreciate it. I love everyone one of you guys. I really do. 33**


End file.
